Wednesday

Dad was in surgery for about an hour this afternoon to have the dialysis cathader inserted into his jugular. In my opinion, anything that involves the word 'jugular' seems major, but it was actually a pretty minor surgery. So he had his first dialysis with the new cathader and everything went smoothly. At this point, they will be doing dialysis about every other day indefinitely until his kidneys show an improvement in function. We are praying that his kidneys would eventually be healed so he would not have to go through dialysis the rest of his life. We'll see what God has in mind...

They haven't been able to sit him up in his wheelchair for about five days due to his dialysis drama so hopefully tomorrow he'll get up for a bit. It is vital that his body be in a sitting position daily so that his lungs continue to heal. The longer he lays in bed, the more likely it is that he'll get pneumonia again, so the goal tomorrow is to get him in the chair. It's a much more complicated process than you would expect...involving nurses and slings and hoists. But getting in the chair means getting the lungs stronger which means getting off the respirator which means getting back to the spinal cord unit. Not to mention eating, drinking, and talking! Right now we just gotta get out of that ICU.

I was blessed to be able to hang out with him alone as he was waiting to be transported to surgery. He was actually able to whisper audibly due to some random air pockets so we had an actual conversation... no mouthing required. I loved it...just talking about life, just being a daughter and a dad, talking like we would before his accident. Well, except for some talk of jugulars, dialysis cathedars, and renal failure...same old, same old. It was sweet and an hour with my Pops that I won't soon forget.

A verse that dad said he has been clinging to is Romans 8:28. "We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

In all things God is working for the good, dad's accident included. Amazing how many things there are to be thankful for. Relationships being deepened, perspectives being changed, faith being refined. Praise God for how He's changing all of us.

Sweet Relief

Finally something to be excited about...we haven't had much to 'yahoo' about lately. The x-rays from yesterday came back and dad was able to say goodbye to his neck brace. Eight solid weeks in a neck brace would drive anyone crazy, so we are thankful he's able to get some relief. I've never been so excited to see a neck in my life...but it will take some time to build up those muscles since they've been idle for so long. So big excitement that he can turn his head...even though right now it feels like he's balancing a watermelon on a pencil.

But of course, just when something is removed or reduced... something else is inserted or connected. And so it goes. He is having a procedure tomorrow to have a tube inserted in his neck/chest to allow a more permanent entry for the dialysis. We won't know for awhile how permanent the dialysis will be, it may be for a month, it may be for the rest of his life. Until they figure out what the deal is with his kidneys, we won't know for sure. They've gotten five liters of fluid out of him so far, so that's reduced some of the swelling. I know, pretty gross...but hey, sometimes life is gross...

He was off of the respirator four different times today, three hours each time. Hmmm...this sounds familiar...have we done this before? Ah, yes. Weening. I remember it well...

Thank God for a mostly positive day. It seemed we had set up camp in the valley for so long, it just feels good to start climbing back up again. It feels good to see a little progress. It feels good to see spirits lifted. It feels good to laugh again. But more important than what we feel any given day is the fact that God continues to orchestrate this ordeal with perfect precision. He knows what He's doing...He knows the desires of our hearts...He knows dad right down to the number of hairs in his grey, poofy mustache.

He knows us well. He knows what we can handle. And that is such sweet relief.

Monday Night

Just a quick update...not much time. Dad had his third dialysis today. They got about 3 liters of fluid out of him, but he's still pretty puffy. They are still trying to decide what's wrong with the kidneys. He started to move the fingers on the left hand today, which he has done in weeks past but not since being back in the ICU. He had x-rays done of his neck to determine if his neck brace can come off...hopefully it will be soon. That will be an amazing day for him. Eight weeks of a stiff neck...not cool.

So a few postives...praise God. More tomorrow.

Choose Joy

Weekends at the hospital tend to be pretty quiet, all the doctors and "ists" need their time off too. So nothing new to report. We're anxious for tomorrow when he'll have his third kidney dialysis and hopefully something positive from the doctors. One of the main concerns continues to be his dependence on the respirator, so we pray that whatever's keeping him from breathing, whether anxiety or physical weakness, would disappear. And of course that his kidneys would be functioning again.

And pray for strength and peace for mom. This is obviously traumatic for all of us, but her especially. Pray that God would give her a sweet glimpse of what their life together is going to be...radically changed...yes. But together none the less.

Happy is an emotion...joy is a choice. Even though happy isn't anything we've been feeling lately, we choose joy. There's plenty to be joyful about, it's just harder to find when you have to dig for it. So we dig on...and we choose joy.

Thank God for another day.

Snorkeling

Emotionally, Pops seems a tiny bit better today. Mike stopped in to see him early this morning and said they had a good conversation. Mike said that dad was asking all kinds of questions, about work, the house, the kids, and he showed real interest. Very encouraging. He also asked Mike how mom was holding up, which is just plain sweet. It's sorta precious how he's been attentive to her needs in the midst of the drama...

He seemed okay when I saw him this afternoon with Becky and the kids. Although he was pretty tired and a little withdrawn, he had some smiles for the kids and even shared a laugh or two. He said he felt a little stronger than he did yesterday, and it seems that sending his blood through the 'washing machine' seems to make a difference. All of our spirits were lifted a bit after seeing him in a little better state of mind. He is starting to move his right arm again, which is encouraging for him since he's been so weak and swollen he hasn't been able to move it for a week.

Other than that, dad is about the same physically. Still in rough shape to say the least. He is on the respirator almost all the time which is a major setback. Not much good can happen from being dependent on that thing. The doctors want to do three dialysis sessions to try to filter his blood and get rid of the excess fluid. He has had two treatments so far and will have the third on Monday. It's too soon to tell if the dialysis will be successful in 'jump starting' his kidneys or not. The doctors are quite confused as to why his kidneys are failing...just more questions to add to our collection...cause, you know, we were needing more unknowns right now....

It sounds weird but it's comforting to know the doctors are confused. Not because I want them to be, but because confusion is completely foreign to God. Dad's failing kidneys may confuse the brilliant minds at Froedtert, but not our God. Not for a second. It's strangely comforting to know that not only are we at a loss for what's happening, but so are the doctors...all the more reason for God to show up and do something amazing...so that He will be glorified. Maybe He'll do something, maybe He'll wait...either way I know He's got more to teach us through this. Hmmmm....sure would have been nice to get the Cliff's Notes version...

Although, looking at how our family has grown the last 50 days makes me oddly thankful for every minute of it, the good and the bad. We're stronger, yet weaker. Simpler, yet deeper. Thank you God for taking us to the depths...so that we may truly experience the height of Your love.

As Fans would say, "Get your snorkels, people. We're going below the surface."

Day 49

Dad's accident was seven weeks ago today. Hard to believe. Even harder to believe that only two weeks ago he was progressing, moving fingers, breathing alone, making us laugh, moving forward. There was lots of hope. He's now in the worst condition he's been in since it happened. It's hard to feel the hope anymore. It's been a bad week.

He had two procedures done today. One was to insert a central line into his shoulder which will better monitor what's going on inside. This will hopefully give doctors a better idea of why his kidneys aren't working as they should. The other procedure was to have a tube inserted so they could do the dialysis, which started this evening and takes about two hours. The expected outcome would be to filter the blood in his system to get his white blood cells down and hopefully allow his kidneys to function better. He is on a lot of pain medication, so of course he's very sleepy. Still retaining a lot of fluid, still dependent on the respirator, still incredibly weak.

Why such a downward spiral? I don't know. Why such promise of healing and strengthening, only to lose all that was gained? I don't know. Why so much pain, suffering, frustration? I don't know.

The more time that passes, the less we know and the weaker we become. But I think that's where God wants us...completely helpless and dependent on Him. The absolute only thing we are clinging to right now is the promise that God knows exactly what He's doing, that He's not scratching his head wondering why dad's health is worsening. We are powerless and have only Him to hang on to...which I know is what He wants of us. Maybe He wants to deal with us before He deals with the storm that surrounds us. I don't know. All we can do is pray and wait.

God, give us strength while we wait, give us hope when we're hopeless, and give us peace to know You will make something beautiful out of the suffering. If it is Your will, give us a miracle. Pops is in Your hands.

Plug in the Power Sander

For reasons yet unknown, God wants dad to stay in the ICU a little while longer. It turns out that his kidneys are not working as they should, which is most likely the reason for the fluid retention. The doctors want to do a kidney dialysis but they need to wait until his potassium levels go down. So he remains pretty swollen and very weak. The lung infection still seems to be raging as they wait for the new antibiotics to kick in. His secretions seem to have lessened so hopefully the pneumonia is on its way out. So much going on in his poor body. It's sometimes hard to believe what's it's been through...he's got a long, long way to go...

He is having trouble breathing on his own, as it takes more energy than usual. His therapist said that all the excess fluid makes breathing more difficult, which is probably why dad has been requesting to be on the respirator rather than breathe on his own. He is breathing on his own at times, but only for a few hours. He continues to be exhausted, sleeping a lot, and asking for no visitors. He's amazed at how hard he's having to work...simply to breathe.

There are a few good things among the seemingly large abundance of bad things...his heart rate is good, his oxygen levels are good, and he seems to have peace. Mom always prays with him before she leaves the hospital for the night, and in the confusion tonight she forgot. He right away stopped her and mouthed, "Hey, we didn't pray!" We are so thankful that amidst all of the complications, he still has peace. An answer to many prayers.

Our days are filled with questions, most of which have no answers....yet. Why? When? How long? How much? Why now? Why him? All questions we'd love some answers to...God doesn't promise immediate answers...but He does promise peace. And we pray tonight that His peace would overflow...

Lemonade

Dad remains about the same as yesterday. The anitbiotics he was given to fight the lung infection haven't reduced his swelling very much, if only a tiny bit. A doctor was in today to check out his kidneys to make sure they are doing what they should, and they seem to be okay. So there's still a question as to why he is retaining so much fluid. It's frustrating because with the fluid buildup he really can't move that right arm very well, so he's losing some muscle. Overall, he's very tired most of the time and sleeps a lot during the day. So for now he continues to be in the ICU, and we're not sure when he'll be ready for going back to the spinal cord unit.

Mom is doing okay...when she's not dealing with dad and his therapy, she's dealing with the headache of insurance/worker's comp/disability so it gets to be a lot of stress...as if she needs anything else to think about. But a visit from an old buddy today was very good for her soul...

Somedays, there's nothing more healing than a good cry, other days, it's a good laugh. We got a card tonight that I just have to share because it gave us a good laugh...

Sometimes life hands you lemons, but then you can make lemonade.

Of course, sometimes life pulls down your pants, runs a power sander across your naked butt, then pours lemon juice on your raw, abraded buttocks. In that case, a cool citrus drink wouldn't really help, but darn it...hang in there anyway.

A little silliness is refreshing amidst the stress. Thanks Julie...definitely a card that Pops would appreciate...

We pray tonight that dad would continue to hang in there, that God would be working in him even if we can't see the progress, and that tomorrow he'll be one step closer to being healthy. May God give us a 'lemonade' kind of day...not a 'power sander on raw bum' kind of day...either way, we give Him praise...

A Better Day

Today was a better day.

Dad remains in the ICU and is still tired and weak, but they seem to have found a secondary infection in his lungs which is most likely the cause of all the swelling. They started him on a new antibiotic tonight which should take care of this specific infection, and we'll see if the swelling decreases tomorrow. He is also starting to be weened off of the respirator again, and seems to be doing okay with it. He moved forward today. It may have only been an inch, but what matters is that he moved forward.

Today was a better day.

Even more encouraging was a brief but precious conversation shared between mom and dad...one that's just meant to be between the two of them. But there was something that dad said to mom that was so clearly an answer to prayer, it was as if God was saying, "I know how bad yesterday was. I was there with you. I know your pain. I feel it with you. But I AM in this. I AM working. Even when you don't see it." Such a clear feeling of being comforted by God...almost unexplainable. I just shake my head in awe of a God that knows us so well, knows what we need, knows how to comfort us at a time when we are desperate for comfort.

God is so good. Today was a better day only because of Him. And yesterday was a day of fear and worry only because I took my eyes off of Him...I forgot who He was and what He has done. We thank God tonight for how He is working in dad even when we can't see it...and for His promise of peace amidst the muddy chaos. To God be the glory.

Mud

Sometimes there's just not much to say. He's still in ICU. He's still battling the pneumonia. He's still weak, withdrawn, and very fragile. He still has a few sweet things to say...his first three words to me were "Fans. Happy? Bears." (Which in mouth-ese translates to, "Hey, is Fans super excited that the Bears won yesterday or what?") He still makes me laugh...

But seeing his body still so weak, showing more regression than progress at this point...makes it hard to still be strong...to still be positive. Sometimes it seems like we've been at the same place for so long, like we're wading through mud that's three feet deep and we're not really going anywhere. For some reason, his whole body is swollen and the doctors don't know why. After working so hard to get off the respirator, he's completely dependent on it again. He can't do physical therapy in the ICU so the muscle he has worked so hard to gain is quickly fading. It's like it's starting all over again. Like we've trudged through the mud for six weeks only to have someone pick us up and set us back at the beginning of our giant mud-pile sidewalk thing and we've got to start again and why am I talking about mud....I don't know....

Some days just suck. Sorry if it's not a pretty word, sorry if I'm talking like a truck driver (as my mom would say), and now sorry to all you truck drivers out there for the blatant stereotyping, but you know what, today sucks. It just feels good to say that. In fact, sometimes it feels even better to yell it. TODAY SUCKS.

My dad has worked his butt off for the last 36 years of his life in a job that he doesn't really have passion for in order to give us everything we want and need...toys, cars, college, weddings, honeymoons, everything...he's worked his whole life to provide for his family. And now that he's almost done working so hard, he's almost ready to start to enjoy some time with his wife...and he can't do anything. Literally, he can't do anything. He. Can't. Do. Anything.

But why does today suck so bad? It's because I am thinking of mom and dad's future, of mom in tears because all she wants is a hug from her husband and she may never feel his arms around her again. Because the retirement I think they deserve will never happen as planned. Because dad may never again sail the Miss Paige, his favorite little sailboat. Because dad may never hold his infant grandson when he arrives any day now. There are so many "because he'll nevers". So many. That's why today sucks.

But, of course, I can't end there. Because God tells me not to worry about tomorrow...mainly because I don't know what tomorrow will bring. We can't focus on the "he'll nevers" because the truth is we just plain don't know. Today can suck. I will give myself that. But where's my faith if I sit and wallow in my pity for my dad and our family. God doesn't want that. I don't want that.

And I don't want days that suck. Tomorrow is a new day, and God's already there waiting for us. Dad may progress. Dad may slide backwards. We might be stuck in the mud in the same exact spot for the next six weeks. But what's the point in projecting? Why let the things we can't control take over our emotions until we're pissed about things that aren't even reality yet and we write long blogs that spew our anger and use the word 'suck' too many times when I know my cute nieces and nephews read this and I don't want them to use words like 'suck' or 'pissed'? It makes no sense.

So forgive me Lord for my doubt. I don't want to doubt Your plan for my dad's life. I know You've got it under control. Sometimes I just wish I could do some controling of my own. But I can't. So I won't. That's Your job.

And that just makes me feel better.

Sunday

The day went pretty well, not much to report. He was pretty sleepy, but relaxed for most of the day. The x-ray of his chest this morning was a little better than they expected, thank God. So hopefully the pneumonia is on its way out and not worsening. He still has some episodes of anxiety, but for the most part he was pretty calm and peaceful. He also got to spend some time with his brothers this afternoon, so that was neat. And the Bears are going to the Superbowl, so that's neat too.

Dad also had a surprise visit from Susan and Lynn, two of his nurses from upstairs in the spinal cord unit. They didn't have any medical reason for visiting...they just missed Pops! How sweet is that? It warms our hearts to know they really like him up there...and miss him now that he's back in the ICU. We even heard a rumor that the nurses fight over who gets to take care of him. They really do love him...and they don't even know him at his best...our hope is that someday they will!

One sweet moment was when mom asked if he knew God was with him. Right away he replied, "He's holding my hand right now." We've been praying so hard that he would feel peace, I thank God for answered prayer and for holding dad's hand through this. What reassurance. What peace. What answered prayer. Thank you Lord.

And thanks to the mystery plower who cleared our driveway. So sweet to feel God's love through His faithful servants...

Stinky but Sweet

I feel much better...thanks. I laughed when I read a comment about me needing a break, as I think about my precious sister-in-law Becky who's pregnant with a third, big, fat, Bohrman baby and a husband who's out of town flying, and a job as the secretary of dad's company...now there's a lady who needs a break! So after this I'm on my way over there for some serious snow fort building and sledding madness with Cole and Paige...hey, I've definitely got the easy job....

Now back to Pops...

For the most part, Dad doesn't like to talk about his accident. A few weeks back, I asked what he remembered, and he just shook his head and said, "Too scary...too scary...". But he has a psychologist that meets with him at the hospital and she sometimes gets him to open up about it. It turns out that it didn't happen as we expected. We always thought it was a split second thing...that the drill grabbed his zipper and immediately sucked him in and he was unconscious instantly. But from what he told his psychologist, the drill was moving pretty slowly and he was very aware of what was happening. So his zipper got pulled in and the jacket slowly wrapped around his neck tighter and tighter until he slowly suffocated. Even after the drill stopped he may have been awake for a few excruciating seconds, maybe moments until he finally passed out. He said he thought for sure he was dying. If the drill had taken even one more revolution...he most likely would have been.

So its makes sense that he would have anxiety about his breathing. The second he feels he's not getting enough oxygen, he starts to panic...and why wouldn't he? I'm sure it takes him right back to that machine, right back to that feeling of knowing he's suffocating but he's completely helpless to do anything about it. So scary.

All that to say, yesterday morning was pretty bad for him...lots of anxiety, lots of panic about the breathing. So the doctors decided to put him back on the respirator. An obvious setback, as the whole weening process has to start over when he's ready to be off.

An even larger setback is that they discovered his pneumonia has worsened. They decided he needed to be back in Intensive Care, so yesterday he was transferred back down to where he spent his first three weeks. The doctors said it would only be for a few days, and we pray that that is the case. This is his third bout with pneumonia in only six weeks, so they want to be able to closely monitor him and make sure it's taken care of. All things that are better done in the ICU, so he's in the best place. But definitely a huge leap backwards.

Which is why it's surprising that mom would say yesterday was the best day she's had with Pops in a month. He was more peaceful and happy yesterday than he's ever been. He's not frustrated that he's back on the respirator, and he's not discouraged that he's back in ICU (heck, he doesn't even remember being there anyway...it's all new to him). She said they had the best afternoon together, laughing, talking/mouthing, and just being in love. At one point she said, "Bohr, do you realize we've been married for 35 years, and this is the most intimate we've ever been?" He very much agrees...there's something so intimate about just being able to stare into each other's eyes and understand what's being said when no words can be spoken. For the first time, dad was able to talk a little about their future together...what he and mom's life will look like. He hasn't really been able to go that deep yet, so it was so good for him to talk about it. Both mom and dad are pretty excited for their future, even though it may look quite different than what they had planned. To know Pops is happy makes us all happy, even if he is back in ICU...and on the respirator.

So praise God for such a special afternoon for the two of them, and thank God for such peace in dad's heart. What sweet blessings in the middle of a pretty stinky day. Why it's happening, God only knows, and we continue to praise him for everything. We'll see how today goes for Pops, just keep praying for that pneumonia to go away...

Ailing Blogmaster

Sorry...no post tonight....I've got the flu and I just can't do it. But I will post in the morning...

Cool Nights, Warm Days

Dad had a little bit of a crazy night. He went to bed last night shivering and covered in blankets, then this morning he woke up with a fever and had to be packed down with ice. Spinal cords do weird things when they are injured. In dad's case, his spinal cord is trying to regulate his body temperature along with its many other responsibilities, and it tends to get a little out of whack. They tell us this is all normal with his injury, but we pray that tonight all is lukewarm for Pops.

When I was with dad tonight, one his nurses Michelle was telling me the positives of the day. He had three solid hours of therapy. Awesome. And he was able to communicate to her more specifically what he feels when he's anxious instead of just "I can't breath. I can't breath." Another awesome. He tends to have a number of these 'panic attacks' throughout the day where he feels like he's not getting enough air. So he gets very anxious and can't seem to control it, even when he knows that all his levels are strong and there's no need to panic. So for him to be able to really explain what he is feeling is great, so the nurses can start to address the problem.

Sometimes these attacks are a result of something else altogether, which is where that A D thing comes in. It's a way of his body telling him that somethings amiss, even if it's a tiny pinch or a hangnail. And this is where our #1 caretaker/cheerleader/booty shaker comes in, a.k.a. mom. Today she was able to see dad growing anxious, correctly diagnose the problem, and even fix it herself. And I won't expand on the details but let's just say it wasn't a hangnail. Mom did a great job and should have her honorary nurse's degree by the time Pops is out of the hospital. It's easy to feel inadequate when you're suddenly forced to be a caretaker, but I couldn't be more proud of the way she is handling the responsibilities, as overwhelming as they are.

As I shared a few precious moments with Pops tonight, I couldn't help but ask myself, "Is this really happening?" Even so long after the accident, I see that lifeless body and think of the Thanksgiving just weeks before it happened....playing football in the street outside Grandma's house. It's crazy. He's paralyzed. He's a talking head on a lifeless body. Sure, his right arm moves and there's a little bit of finger wiggling, but when they lay him down on a mat in rehab...he's completely helpless. Can't sit up, can't prop himself up, can't move. It's just sometimes hard to believe.

But it makes me realize that my love for him has nothing to do with what his body can or can't do. As I came to see him tonight, I was just so dang excited....not cause of what I may see wiggle or bend, but just because he's my Pops. I love him for who he is, not what he does.

And seeing dad tonight gave me such a clear picture of how my Heavenly Father loves me. Not for what I do, not for serving here, serving there, not for being busy every night of the week, not for my attendance in any group, church, or club. God loves me for me....and he gets so excited when I just want to be with Him. I thank God tonight for dad, that he's getting a chance to be still and know that God is God...to not be burdened with all the "doing" but getting a chance to just "be". May our "being" always be more important than our "doing".

Praise God for another day.

Booty Shaker

Well, when I called mom this afternoon for the Pops Report, she sounded out of breath. I was perplexed until she explained that she was "shaking her booty" for dad as he was doing his rehab in the gym... for encouragement, of course. I don't know what that means but the visual of a 56 year old cheerleader shaking her booty seems more scary than encouraging...but whatever gets you moving, Pops. Pretty sick if you ask me. (P.S. If I don't post tomorrow it's because mom killed me for writing this. I'm sure she didn't think it would be on the blog. Hee hee. Too late now.)

An overall positive report today...seems like we're at least moving forward...a direction we all prefer, of course. Dad's was in a better mood today, which was probably a result of the anti-depressants kicking in and the fact he got some new blood. Because of a high white cell count they gave him a blood transfusion this morning, which should help him start feeling better. He's continuing on anti-biotics to fight the pneumonia, but he still has a good amount of secretions which make him cough a lot. Despite the drama he was able to do all his therapies, and mom said he is working hard, no wimping out...even with pneumonia. You go, Pops.

He also had his talking valve in for a good part of the afternoon, which mom just loves. She said it's so hard to leave him at night when he's talking. I guess it's easier to leave silent dad than speaking dad...he's just so much himself when you can hear his voice. Mom caught him staring out the window this afternoon while in the gym. She asked what he was thinking about, and he said "Nothing." She asked what he was looking at and he said, "Just lookin' outside." After a moment she asked, "Bohr, are you discouraged?" He said, "No."

What a beautiful word 'no' can be. It was encouraging to hear mom's report of that simple conversation because it's good to see him hopeful...and if even for a moment, at peace. A lot of the time, especially lately, he's been pretty discouraged, so that simple answer of 'no' says a lot. It could be the new drugs, but I like to think it's the answered prayer of so many of us who have been praying for peace. We continue to pray for him to have peace in his heart about what has happened, and a knowledge that God is in control and there's no need to be afraid. Mmmm...pretty easy for me to say as I have limbs that work and lungs that breathe and fingers that type. Lord, help us not take for granted the things You've given us...

Thanks be to God for a good day full of rehab, healing, speaking, and, well, alright, booty shaking.

A Tiny Bit Calmer

Alright...it's still a storm but a little less windy today. Thank God cause yesterday can only be described as pure stink. Dad is still battling the pneumonia but was able to go to rehab. He is trying very hard to work with his therapists despite the weakness he feels. We are proud of him for toughing it out.

His cognitive therapist is pleased with his progress. Dad is better able to understand that his slowness in response to some questions is a result of the small amount of brain damage that he suffered. He seems to better accept the fact that his body and mind suffered a severe injury, which is why he just doesn't 'feel normal', but that's okay. He can turn on the charm if need be, but he once again requested not to see anyone. I promise he's not being a stinker, he just hates mouthing and just plain doesn't feel good. He said to mom today that he gets so frustrated when he can't communicate like he wants to. Despite the pneumonia, he was able to have the valve in today for a short time. He looked at mom and said "I love you." Perfect timing....sometimes she just needs to hear that voice....especially when it's words of affirmation and not just "Brush my teeth, woman." Dad would never say that....would he? Ha.

We continue to pray for his state of mind...it's probably expected that someone in his position would be depressed, but of course it does him no good. As his family we see his true self and his attitude and sometimes it just doesn't seem like the Pops that we know. So we keep praying for a calmess and peace in his spirit.

Mike met with the "ramp guy" and the houses will be ready for the Storm when it wheels home in a month. A little more reality to get used to...but think how much fun the grandkids will have riding their bikes directly into the house. What the heck, I think I might join them...sounds pretty sweet. If mom objects, we'll just say it's so dad doesn't feel like the only guy 'rampin' it'...

Mike also met with the men's bible study this morning although there was no hospital visit as dad wanted his peace and quiet. I know Mike enjoys this time of being surrounded by dad's friends and prayer partners because in a way it brings him closer to Pops. We are so grateful for those guys, and for everyone that continues to pray for him. Know that we need it...and appreciate it. Thanks for lovin' our Pops...and us....even when we're all a bit cranky.

And praise God for a better day.

Ugh.

If yesterday felt like being on a cruise, today feels like we're floating on driftwood in the middle of a squall. Not so good.

Dad's not doing great. He once again has pneumonia, and because of the heavy secretions he's back on the respirator at night and he can't use the talking valve. His body is swollen from all the fluids he has been receiving and he can't really do any rehab when he's sick. He's also depressed and seems to be withdrawing from almost everyone except mom. He won't make eye contact with people and for the most part just doesn't give a crap about anything. You know it's bad when he doesn't even look at the grandkids. It's not the dad that we know. For now, it's back to no visitors...it's not good for his pneumonia nor does he want to see anyone. Obviously, things are not going well.

More than ever it feels like we are in the middle of a big flippin' storm and we're all getting caught in the downpour. We're tired, scared, and sick of getting wet. Sometimes we want to scream, "God, don't you care? Don't you care that dad is sick and getting sicker? Don't you care that we are perishing over here? DON'T YOU CARE?"

But I know it's always easier to blame God than to seek Him. It's always easier to grasp the power of the storm than the power of the Lord. I will not take the easy way out...I refuse. God is allowing this storm because all sunshine and no rain make for a dry life. I know without a doubt that God is in this storm with us, that He could end it in a split second if He so chose. But for now He's not calming our storm. But I do know He's asking us "Why are you so afraid? Why are you so flippin' afraid?" (Then I wonder if God would ever say 'flippin'....)

We have nothing to fear. And I thank God for the chance to prove that we are not afraid...for the chance to walk the walk. What do I really believe when the rubber hits the road?...what do I really believe when my driftwood hits a nasty squall?

I believe in God. Period. I believe He will calm this storm in His own timing. I believe He wants more of us than a dry life where we run scared whenever the sun don't shine. He wants to be praised in the calm...and in the storm.

There's a chorus that I can't get out of my head today...from some song from some band I don't know. And I don't even know if these are the right words....but it's the only thing that gets me through today.

I will praise You in this storm.
And I will lift my hands.
For You are who You are,
No matter where I am.
And every tear that falls,
You hold in Your hand.
Though my heart is torn,
I will praise You in this storm.

Our hearts are torn. We're definitely in the storm. But we praise God. And we keep on praying.

Hey, Where's My Pina Colada?

This journey we're on with Pops reminds me of being on a ship at sea...not because of the beautiful views or tropical weather...but because we tend to get a little seasick. You ride up one big wave...then come crashing down the other side. It's contantly up, then down, up, then down...just like a cruise...minus the pina coladas and the rockin' tan.

All that to say, after a pretty good day yesterday, Pops had a crummy night. He suffered from AD (a term which I can't pronounce let alone spell) where his blood pressure rose pretty drastically. This AD is common with spinal cord injury, and it has to do with the spinal cord raising the blood pressure as a way to alert the body that something is wrong. They were able to stabilize him and he was fine today, but most of the day was spent trying to figure out what is wrong. The spinal cord could be reacting to anything from an infection to a hangnail...and at this point they can't seem to figure it out. His day was normal, he still went to therapy and was himself, it's just a matter of figuring out what's going on in that body of his.

So on top of the anxiety that he already has, I can imagine it will be worse after last night's episode. It was obviously a little traumatic for Pops to have some heart trouble, so we continue to pray that his anxiety would be under control. He's on meds which seems to help...but it's hard to do rehab and keep on truckin' when he's either too anxious or too tired. He's aware of all that's going on, but it's just plain frustrating to get it all under control.

So more prayers that we would all understand what God is trying to teach us at this point...I'm sure it has something to do with peace/trust/letting go. And pray especially for Pops, that he would have a peace that transends all understanding. The ups and downs are bumpy but expected...it would all be worse if we didn't share the love of Christ.

After all, God is the ultimate Dramamine.

See Ya Later, Respirator

Dad did well with his breathing last night, so he is now officially off the respirator for good. Praise God! Dad can finally breath 24 hours a day on his own...what a blessing. The trach will remain in his throat for awhile, even if he isn't on the ventilator. And now he will most likely have the valve in a majority of the time, which allows him to speak. Awesome.

The major event of the day was when Pops was working with Toni, one of the occupational therapists. To her surprise, the fingers on dad's left hand started moving more than they had previously. He wasn't able to pinch them together, but there was definite improvement, which is big because we really haven't seen much with his left arm at all. I wasn't there to see the finger action, but apparently it caused quite a commotion...Toni even got her tap shoes out of her locker and did some celebratory dancing!! Mom said about 10 nurses gathered to watch dad's fingers...how exciting is that? Dad just cried. So praise God for this progress...more dexterity in that left hand would be huge. Many prayers are being answered....God is good.

Other than that, continue to pray for dad's anxiety. Even when good things are happening, he easily gets anxious and panics. We pray that he would feel peace above all else...that he knows he has nothing to fear. He is sleeping better at night, so that's good. But we continue to pray for peace...lots of peace...so much peace it's coming out of his ears. He still has a few weeks to go before he goes home (sorry for the confusion), so glory to God for how far he has come. Every baby step, every day, every tap dance, every laugh....all gifts from God. Total sweetness.

New Batteries

Overall, a much better day for Pops. The meds are taking care of the ear infection, and although he was tired today, he didn't seem to be in pain. He was in better spirits, and had some good therapy sessions. One of his therapists was working with him on picking up plastic cups and stacking them on top of one another. She was very happy with the little improvement she saw in the dexterity on his right side. Even in the short time span of today's session she saw an increase in his ability to work with his fingers. They still have a ways to go, but when therapists are happy, we're all happy.

Dad was amazed at the amount of work it took for him to do such a simple task...just picking up and stacking. It wore him out to the point of needing a three hour nap. He mentioned to mom that he just "wants to be normal"...it shocks him to see how such simple tasks completely exhaust him, and how emotionally draining it is. To be expected from a man that used to never stop moving and had somewhat endless energy. Cole made a good observation today when he said, "Looks like Bapa needs some new batteries." Too funny...if only it were that simple...

More good news is that he was off the respirator all last night for the first time. Yahoo! If tonight is another success he may have seen the last of that darned machine. Imagine how freeing that will be...not to mention how annoying it must be to constantly hear that Darth Vader-ish sound next to your head 24 hours a day for the last month. So big prayers tonight that all goes well with his breathing.

The doctors told us dad will be going home in his power chair...not the best news as we all would have hoped he had the ability to work a manual wheelchair. But because of the weakness in his left arm, it looks like the Storm will be his chair for good...for now. We continue to pray that there would be more healing, but we also pray that God's will be done. I know that's always my struggle....trying to fit God into my plan. Thankfully, His plan always kicks my plan's butt...even if we can't see how...yet. But we have faith that in time...this will all make perfect sense.

Thanks for the prayers...and thanks for coming to see dad. Just please remember...short and sweet, people...short and sweet....just like our Pops...

Bob Vila

Well, not exactly the best day for Pops...turns out he has an ear infection. He was in a lot of pain much of the day until they were able to get him some meds for it. On top of that, they are still trying to determine what is causing him to feel nauseous, they don't know if it's the meds or his food...so just a somewhat miserable day. Although he was tired and hurting, he did still get a chance to do therapy with Dale, which involved roaming the halls...scoping for chicks, perhaps?

The bright spot in everybody's day was a visit from good family friend Jason Hall. Jason has been part of our family for many years, and is one of Mike's very close buddies from high school. Jason had his own spinal cord accident about 12 years ago when he was in college, and actually broke his neck in the same place that dad did. So I know dad was looking forward to his visit...even though he was feeling sick. There's no one in the world that can know what dad is going through right now...except Jason. I know that we all are feeling so thankful for his connection to our family, and that he and dad have been good buds for many years. Jason officially nicknamed dad "Bob Vila" many years ago, since he can basically fix anything, so I know Jason and Bob will be spending lots of time together in the months to come. We all have a new appreciation for what Jason and his family went through years ago, and we are all so grateful to have him in our lives. He will be a great friend and encourager to dad. The sweetest moment was at the end of Jason's visit when he closed the door and asked if he could pray for Pops. Mike said it was an awesome moment to be a part of...to hear the prayers of a young man who knows exactly what dad is going through. We love you J.

The day may have been, well, somewhat poopy, but God still rocks. As some of you know, Mom and Dad have been planning for some time to move into Mike and Becky's house. So the last few months have involved complete remodeling of the house to allow mom and dad to have a seperate little space all their own. As if he isn't stressed enough, Mike had to go to the house yesterday to decide how to refigure mom and dad's space to make it wheelchair accessible. One of the builders walked up to him and asked why he was there, and so Mike explained the situation. The builder revealed to Mike that two of his siblings are in wheelchairs so he knows all about walk-in showers, door widths, etc. to make the house perfect for them. What a huge blessing. What a relief for Mike to have one less thing to figure out. God is so good in how he has prepared us for this crisis. There's no better place for Mom and Dad to be than in a first floor apartment in Mike and Becky's house....with soon to be three grandkids running around keeping dad occupied. God knows what he's doing...which is great...cause most of the time we don't have a clue. Praise God that even during a crummy day, He shows us that He is right here with us. There's nothing to worry about...cause He's already got it covered.

Another Day

Well, not much news today. Dad is about the same as yesterday, but his mood is slightly better. He saw the grandkids this afternoon, that always cheers him up a bit. And they were able to hear Bapa's voice for the first time. Very cool. Mike taped a picture of Cole and Paige to the ceiling...so the grandkids are always in view...

Apparently dad was up at three in the morning...asking if he could get into the Storm. I think he really enjoys driving that thing...must be amazing to finally feel a tiny bit of independence. He had to wait a few hours, but he did finally do some driving. Mike said he's getting quite good at it. He even parallel parked it next to his bed. Impressive.

The therapist wrapped his left arm up to see if it will help the swelling, so we continue to pray for that arm to show some signs of life. All we can do is thank God he's got his right arm...amazing what we take for granted, isn't it?

Thank you for your morning prayers...and know that dad thanks you as well. He did mention today how powerful yesterdays prayer meeting was with the bible study guys. He said it really touched the nurses too. How cool to see the ripples of faith spreading out to people unknown. Praise God.

In the days to come, dad will need some help staying awake until at least 8 pm, which will help him sleep later in the morning. We don't want him bombarded with people, but starting next week it will be helpful for visitors to stop in for a quick 10 minutes to say hi to dad. The best time would be between 5 and 8 pm. But know that a quick visit is better than a long one...especially if he doesn't have his valve in. He just gets frustrated when he has to mouth, but it will be a good way to keep him up at night...and if he falls asleep, don't take it personally. And please don't let his condition upset you...he may look a little different than the last time you saw him...but he's still the same guy...try and get him to laugh...it's good for him. Thanks for the love and support...

A Storm on the Horizon

No, not the storm you're thinking of...it's the name of dad's power wheelchair. I noticed yesterday that his model is the StormTDX5. I don't know what that means, but it sounds cool. Dad actually drove the Storm today for the first time...he would have done it sooner but the motor was broken. (And it would have been fixed sooner had dad been able to get his hands on it.) So it was good for Pops to be able to tool around the halls with his therapist Dale and take control of the chair for the first time. He is now comfortable using the control to tilt himself whenever he wants...these small steps are big leaps towards more independence.

The highlight of his day was probably when his Wednesday morning men's bible study showed up at 7:00 this morning. These are some of the most solid Christian men in dad's life, and it was so precious of them to come and pray over Pops...at a time when he really needed it. Mike said when they showed up dad was awake and staring at the ceiling. When he saw his friends he became pretty emotional and admitted, "I am so scared. I am really afraid." So they spent some time praying with him, and Mike said it seemed to give him peace. Early mornings are dad's toughest part of his day...in the quiet of his room, alone, waiting for the nurses to get him up. So if you are awake early in the mornings, please say a prayer for dad, that he would feel God's angels surrounding him, and that he would truly understand that perfect love casts out all fear.

Other than that, dad's day was somewhat uneventful. He felt pretty sick this afternoon and has been feeling a little nauseous after starting some new meds. He was very tired...all of yesterday's amazingness was draining, so not a lot of talking today. But this is how it works...sometimes good days...sometimes not so good. Please continue to pray for him as he continues to realize his limitations...he still can't move his legs or left arm at all and sometimes it just hits him really hard. How can it not.

But our God is so big. So strong. So mighty. There is truly nothing our God cannot do. His wisdom and power are uncomprehensible. So let's keep on praying.

And you better start to watch your back. You never know when that Storm will come tearing through...

Would You Just Shut Up So I Can Talk?

God is so good. He gave us an amazing day today. For starters we had our first family conference with Dad's doctors. Mike, mom, and I were able to sit down with dad and about 10 of his doctors, nurses, and therapists to discuss his progress and goals. This is a meeting we will be attending every week to hear a report from all of his caregivers. We did not necessarily learn anything brand new, but it was good to hear some reports on his condition. They of course can't tell us specifics on what he will be able to do...it's all a matter of seeing what movement comes back, and what doesn't. We entered the meeting sort of expecting the worst, but we left with a positive feeling. There are certainly concerns, such as the continued swelling of the left arm, and the effect the lack of oxygen had on his brain when his heart stopped early on. But we agreed that we have certainly seen dad being very much himself, and even if he is a little slow on comprehension, we're very happy with where he is. The doctors said that this can only improve with time. They hope to have him off the respirator next week, and as soon as that happens they can do a swallow study to determine if he can start eating and drinking. Until then, its bags of "oatmeal" four times a day through the stomach tube. Yummy.

The major excitement came after our family conference. Dad had his trach downsized to further ween him from the respirator. With the smaller trach, he is able to have the Passy-muir valve in longer....which allows him to talk. Yesterday he said a few words but then they had to remove the valve. Today he was talking for over an hour...and it was AWESOME. He is so absolutely excited to hear his own voice that he just started crying. He started by saying the alphabet...while crying. Then came "Doe a deer, a female deer"...while crying. Watching his excitement and emotion over the simple fact he can speak was indescribable. He looked at Mike, mom, and me and kept saying, "I love you guys so much." He was in total awe of his own voice. Amazing.

We called P.J. so dad could say hi...and Pops even gave a shoutout to "K-Dawg". He did the same for my husband Chris (a.k.a "Fans") and Mike's wife Becky. But it turned out that Becky was even more emotional than dad...lots of tears. So much sobbing that dad finally said, "Would you just shut up so I can talk?" We were dying laughing.

There were so many priceless quotes from today...too many to write. One was when his therapist asked him who the president was. Dad thought for a moment and replied, "Hillary, baby!" Another one was when a different therapist was talking to him and said, "Well, I hear you were a very active man." Dad in complete seriousness replied, "Sexually?" (Sorry if that was a little PG-13...but, heh, welcome to the Bohrman family...always crossing the line.) It was so great sharing a lot of laughs...and tears...with Pops today. Praise God for his beautiful voice...and that sense of humor.

He also got serious at times, saying how shocking it was that only weeks ago he was carrying his grandkids, and now he can't lift a thing. He's amazed to watch as mom massages his swollen left arm...and he doesn't realize it's his own arm. He asked if he would walk, if his fingers would work, if we would ever play catch with the football again (our favorite family pastime). All we can tell him is to try his hardest, to push through the pain, and he'll be surprised at what his body will do in the weeks to come. He also knows its a miracle that mentally he is where he is...thank God that he's 'mostly there'. Mom said he was only 'mostly there' before the accident...so what more can we ask for?

Just an amazing day. We have so much joy...mostly because of the joy we saw in dad's face today. Thank you God for bringing dad so far, and being with us every step of the way. We continue to give God the glory for dad's progress...may tomorrow be just as amazing.

"Jeannie"

Dad seemed to have a little more determination today. He did a good job in occupational therapy at the gym, and saw a few other therapists throughout the day. He is up to about 15 hours of being off the respirator, so that's also good progress. He now has a new valve for his trach that allows him to speak...I know....very exciting. Except as with most tubes/hoses currently attached to him, there of course is a weening process. So he was only able to use it for a few minutes today, just to get him used to it. Instead of the air flowing in and out of his trach tube, with the valve it flows into the tube but then out of his mouth. This takes some getting used to for him because for the last few weeks he has been breathing without air necessarily entering his mouth. So they will slowly start weening him onto the valve until it's comfortable for him. Today they attached the valve and then asked him to say his wife's name. He said "Jeannie" and then started to cry...hopefully out of the joy of hearing his own voice and not remorse over his choice of wife. I'm pretty sure is was the voice thing.

He still gets his times and days confused...pretty understandable I guess. Other than that, today he seemed to be on top of things, no talk of Texas or any other southwestern states. There are times when he gets very anxious and seems to panic about his breathing, even when his oxygen levels are fine. It's more in his head than anything else, but we need to pray that he really has peace and trusts in God and the nurses.

There was a moment tonight that Mike and I will never forget. Dad suddenly asked us to pray with him, so we each took one of his hands and bent down to his face. As I opened my mouth to pray, dad began to do it himself. Our eyes were glued to his lips as he began to mouth this prayer, "Dear Heavenly Father, Lord...be my feet. Lord, be my ankles. Lord, be my knees. Lord, be my legs. Lord, be my strength. Give me patience. Give me peace." When he was done, I tried to finish the prayer without sobbing uncontrollably, and we said "amen". A very special moment. There is such joy in knowing that dad is taking his struggles to the Lord. Pray that he does it more often, especially in his moments of anxiety.

And pray that he has a hard working attitude tomorrow. The worst thing for him to do right now is lay in bed all day...he needs to be up, at the gym, focused on rehab, ready to do some painful workouts. Time is precious right now, and every day he opts out of therapy is just another day lost to regain strength and movement. So we pray huge prayers tonight that Pops is on fire tomorrow, feels inner strength and resolve to get better, has less anxiety, feels God's peace, and is willing to work his booty off. Onwards and upwards!

Is This Texas?

Dad was a little more frustrated today...a little more tired...a little cranky. But of course he's allowed a cranky day now and then. Aren't we all? He still went to the gym and worked out, but had less determination today. I think his first therapy yesterday really wore him out. He complained that his back was sore all day. It's to be expected since he's using those muscles for the first time in a month. Some days he's just ready to go and excited about his own progress. But some days you can just tell he's thinking "I can't believe this is happening". Today seemed to be one of the latter.

Regardless of his mood, the whole family bombarded him this afternoon for a visit. He is a good host and always has smiles for Cole and Paige...but he was pretty wiped so we kept it brief. At one point he asked "Where are we?....Milwaukee?" We said "Yes Pops, you're at Froedtert Hospital." We thought he had this info down pat so we were a little puzzled. We asked if he knew that and he seemed to nod yes...but then he said "It just feels like Texas". We gave each other a "what the heck?" look, but he later explained that since it's so warm and sunny, he thought we were in Texas. And why wouldn't we be?.... He also told me to tell his nurse not to drop him on his head when they put him into bed. I asked dad if they have dropped him before and he said, "No, I just don't want to be dropped." Again, what the heck? We're all looking forward to a completely drug-free dad in the weeks to come....

I got to have dinner with Pops tonight, which was nice. And by 'have dinner' I mean we both watched as his nurse hooked up what appeared to be a bag of oatmeal to his stomach tube and we watched as drip by drip it emptied into his stomach. Delicious. As the bag came to the end, dad mouthed, "I'm almost done eating". We had to laugh. It was one of those moments where we both shook our heads and thought "Is this really happening?"

Well, it is really happening. We really are smack dab in the middle of the biggest crisis our family has ever faced. It's hard. It's maddening. But it's made us aware of how little control we have...over anything. What peace there is in knowing that God is in absolute control....in a time when dad literally has none. Pray tonight that Pops feels that peace...that God has him...and will never let go.

Confirmed Wiggling

No nauseau today for dad...he was able to go to the gym and start working out! He's even out of the hospital gown and into some athletic shorts and a tee shirt....looks much more like our Pops. His therapist Angie was great with him and really pushes him to work hard. She did a lot of arm exercises with dad today, trying to get an idea of his range of motion. His right arm does pretty well, but it's obvious those muscles have been at rest for a long time. You can see how much work it is for him to just lift his hand to his chest by the grimace on his face. His left arm has very little movement in it, at this point he can shrug the left shoulder but that's really it. This was his very first day of physical therapy, so once his muscles start getting stronger we will hopefully really start to see much more progress. It was just so good to see him starting to get his arms working. He has no control of his fingers in either hand, but he can wiggle them slightly...very slightly in the left hand. In the last four weeks I have never seen anything on his left arm move, and today he was able to very, very slightly wiggle the fingers on the left hand. It was wicked awesome....but you can tell it takes a lot of work for him just to get those few fingers to move a tiny bit....amazing.

In the middle of his session, he stopped to ask if he could wake up very early in the morning to come to the gym to work out on his own...not exactly possible at this point but he sure is determined to get that body going. During one of the arm exercises, he got worn out at the 17th repetition so he stopped. Angie asked him why he stopped and he said he was tired. She told him that it's when those muscles are exhausted that they are getting stronger so he needs to push through the pain...he understood and went right back to doing his reps. Although it is painful for him, I can see the drive in his face...he wants so badly to be moving again...and it will be vital that he keep his determination.

He did see Cole and Paige today, which was great for him. His face lit up and he was just plain excited. If the idea of seeing the grandkids doesn't motivate him...I don't know what will. His good friend Mike dropped off about 40 homemade CD's of their favorite songs from the 60's and 70's...an awesome gift for dad as we just got him little speakers for his room. We were listing some of the songs to him...and he kept nodding...so many of his favorites from back in the day. A sweet gift from an old friend...thanks Mr. Miller.

Today was a great day. Every time I see him, he's a little more himself. I know he'll be ready for more working out tomorrow...we pray he feels strong again in the morning. Another prayer request is that the swelling in his left arm would go down...he has poor blood flow in the left arm so we are hoping now that he's more active it would improve. Keep on praying.

Thank God for great nurses. Thank God for smart therapists. And thank God for wiggling fingers.

Late Friday Night

Sorry for the comment problems...should be good to go now.

Just a quick Pops update. He was off the ventilator today for about 10 hours continuously...awesome. For the next few days he will breathe on his own for most the day, and then they will begin to ween him off at night. Good progress we are told.

He had a lot of assessments done today by many different therapists....they did some tests to see what feeling he has and where. We won't get the official reports from these tests until Tuesday when we meet with his doctors. So we pray that everything went well.

He got to go to the spinal cord gym today, which was big for him. It's easy to forget that he's been lying in bed in a hospital room for the past four weeks, without so much as seeing the hallway. So to go to the gym was a big move. Big enough that he started to feel nauseous, which apparently is normal. His injury has the same effect on his brain as a concussion, so he seems to feel nauseous when he moves around a lot. Other than that, mom said that anytime he wasn't being poked or prodded, he was asleep. We will know a lot more on Tuesday about his future at Froedtert and how long his rehab is expected to last. Until then we continue to pray for his healing...especially that he would have strength to really start working hard...and that he would sleep well tonight so he's not so tired tomorrow. God bless and have a good night.

High Voltage

Thank God for another somewhat uneventful but positive day. Dad was off the respirator for five and a half hours twice today. Tomorrow their goal is for him to breathe on his own for a continuous twelve hours. Great progress for dad, but the breathing is completely exhausting for him. He slept most of the day today. It's still best for him to not have visitors...he just too wiped out. It's amazing what energy it takes for him to simply breathe...hard to imagine. So praise God for continued success in this area.

He also got a new power chair today, the one that he will have for the duration of his hospital stay. It's supposedly much better than the one he had yesterday...dad's eyes lit up as the nurses were discussing its power and voltage...but why wouldn't they...it's all about the power, baby...

Another positive today was that dad moved to a new room...right across the hall. It is much larger, much sunnier, and has a direct view of some major hospital construction (ie. cranes, front end loaders, and other miscellaneous large machines that dad is sure to enjoy). Mom is just happy to see the sun! In the spinal cord unit, one side of the hallway is for acute patients, and the other is for rehab patients. So dad is officially now a rehab patient...meaning the process of getting his body moving will be starting soon. He will be having his first rehab therapy tomorrow...granted he can stay awake for it. This is all great news as it is forward progress...what else could we ask for? This also means he will really be getting a clear idea of his limitations, and he'll probably be getting frustrated a lot in the weeks to come. All to be expected with the severity of his injury.

We continue to lift his mind and body up in prayer. And we thank God for the continued peace and joy that we have...for the gift of another positive day. What a blessing.

Blinkers

Another good day for Pops, praise God. He went from three hour breathing sessions yesterday to...five hours today! Unbelievable! They now only take him off the respirator twice daily, but for five hours each time. We couldn't ask for any better than that...a two hour jump in independent breathing is awesome. Although he is exhausted, dad seems to understand that this is good progress.

He also got a power wheelchair today, which means he can sit for longer periods and recline at regular intervals to prevent excessive pressure on his body. Tonight he would doze off for awhile, then wake up, look down at the wheelchair control at his right hand, and ask me "How do I run this thing?". I told him he would learn how, but he has to be disconnected from all tubes before he can go cruising around. He would give a smile as if to say, "yeah, I know", and then doze off. I think he's just happy to finally be around something with a motor in it. His quote of the day came when mom and I were with two of his nurses talking about his new power chair. He piped up and tried to ask what we thought was a serious question. After the third try, we finally got it. His serious question was, "Does this thing have blinkers?"

He was also able to talk a little more today when being taken off the respirator. You can tell it's a huge deal for him to talk. His voice comes out very raspy and, quite honestly, a little freaky. He was relieved to know it was only temporary, that when he's done with the trach his speech will be effortless and his voice back to normal. Until then, his odd voice, along with the fact that the breathing treatments cause a slight fog to come out of his mouth when he speaks, gives the eerie impression that dad is in fact a dragon. Probably not good for the grandkids to see him quite yet! But it's all great news, and so encouraging to see him happy with his own progress. He knows that he's slowly getting better...and that does wonders for his overall attitude.

So thanks be to God for a positive day. I can't help but smile as I am reminded of his funny comments and sweet expressions. All such tiny things that I took for granted a month ago. Thank you God for opening our eyes to the many reasons we love our dad.

Pray for more healing...more progress. Pray for changing hearts. Pray that dad doesn't figure out his power chair control in the middle of the night and pulls all his tubes out as he shoots across the room...

A Few Words...

Today was an overall good day. Mom took a day off from the hospital for the first time since the accident, mostly by force because she was sick, but we all agree it was a good thing. It was important for her to realize that it's okay to take a day off, that he's being well cared for. And it's probably also good for dad to realize how good he has it when mom is there! For any married couple to spend 25 solid days together...8 to 10 hours per day...now that's just crazy talk. Pretty soon, everyone needs a breather...

Speaking of a breather, dad was off the respirator three different times today for three hours each time...a half hour improvement per session from yesterday. Yahoo! Slow but steady progress. As long as it continues to be a success...he'll be respirator-free in the next week or so. Another yahoo!

Dad's big moment today came when he was able to talk for a few moments in between being taken off the respirator. It's way to complicated to explain how, something about air pockets and timing the breath so it hits the vocal cords...but he was able to carefully figure out how to get his voice out and say some words! It was very exciting for him as he has not heard his own voice since he "woke-up" and I imagine he was starting to wonder if he ever would. It took some practice but he was able to do it for me when they put him back on the respirator this afternoon. It was very cool...more so to see him finally seeing his own progress...we usually see it more than he does. They only let him do it for a short while, because all his energy needs to be focused on breathing, not talking. He was so wiped out he even declined seeing the grandkids...now you know he's really tired when he does that.

We continue to pray for his heart and what he must be learning through all of this. Sometimes I expect more from him than he seems capable of. Like today when he very seriously looked at me and said, "The worst part of all this is....". He paused and repeated, "The worst part of all this is..." He paused again and I prepared myself for some very deep, heart-wrenching realization from him. He finally said it once more; "The worst part of this...is this pillow on my lap...it's soooooo hot!" Sometimes you just have to laugh.

Thank God for dad and the laughter he has always brought to us...and continues to do...

New Year's Day

Well, guess what? Nothing much has changed. I sort of laugh as I remind myself, yet again, to get used to this slow progress. This next week or so will be focused on weening him from the ventilator, because until that happens, he can't do any serious physical therapy. He was off the ventilator for two and a half hours for at least twice today. They probably did the same tonight. This is great news, as that's an hour more each time than yesterday. As long as he does well with it, they will gradually increase the time until he is off completely. His body has been at rest since the accident, so just the act of using his lungs for a few hours completely exhausts him. To us who breathe without thinking, it seems so easy, so effortless. But for his body, it is a lot of work. He doesn't struggle to do it, but as soon as he's back on the respirator he falls asleep. They basically want all of his energy to go towards breathing, because therapy will be limited until he can be in a wheelchair and not confined to his room.

The first thing dad said to me today was "scissors". (And know that every time I say "dad said" I mean dad mouthed it and we read his lips.) I was confused, frustrated, and clearly convinced he was going crazy. I asked why scissors and he said, "I need a haircut". As I looked at his shaggy hair, I had to question how this man that can't feel 87% of his body, and hasn't seen a mirror in a long time, somehow knows that he needs a haircut. Funny how the mind works.

I feel like we are in the hardest part of it right now, he's frustrated, we're frustrated. But I have to believe there is a reason God wants him immobile right now. He is such a mover...always needing to putz...never sitting still. As hard as it is to see him like this, I have to believe that dad is right where God wants him. Many of us know dad as the funny, sweet man that of course he is...but he can also be very stubborn, and I hope and pray that God is working in his heart as we speak. When we are taken through times of crisis, I know that God, with surgical precision, is carving out the things in our hearts that keep us from Him. We are all being changed...our faith is being refined...our roots are digging deeper. We pray for open hearts and minds... dad's, mom's, all of ours.

Thanks for all the prayers. You have no idea how reassuring it is to know that when we fail...when we falter...there are still people out there praying for dad and the family. Today is a day we so desperately need it. So thank you.