One year anniversary

Well, only a few days and it will be one year since my accident. When you are in my position, you have a lot of time to think. And I have spent a lot of time thinking about that day and the last steps that I took. That morning I remember leaving the bathroom and walking down the hallway to the kitchen. Jean was standing at the counter waiting for me which was unusual since normally she was asleep when I went to work. But that morning, she wanted us to pray. She was going to wake me during the night but decided to wait until I was up. She urgently felt the need for us to pray about how our family should glorify Christ over Christmas. She felt so stirred during the night and the feeling would not go away. So we stood together and prayed that Christ would be glorified through our family at Christmas. She didn't know why but she just felt very strongly about it. Little did we know that this very blog would be the answer to that prayer. Little did we know how many people would be touched by my daughter's words. I am still overwhelmed and brought to tears whenever I read your comments and hear of your prayers for me. I am especially humbled by those of you that I don't know that tell me your faith has been strengthened or renewed. God certainly works in mysterious ways. He even uses the Internet to accomplish his purpose.

So off I went to work. It was Friday and the previous Saturday I had towed Santa Claus in the Christmas parade in the sleigh that I had made for the chamber of commerce. The sleigh had been in my driveway all week and I was taking it back to work to store it away until next year. I was always in great spirits when towing the sleigh. How could you not be in the Christmas spirit when you're towing Santa's sleigh? I arrived at work, parked the sleigh and began my day.

I have spent so much time thinking about the next steps that I took that I began to fear the coming of this anniversary. I would get a lump in my stomach when I thought about walking up to the machine that did me in. But now I feel better about that day. I don't get a lump in my stomach and I don't get that fearful feeling anymore. I think talking about it has been therapeutic. God has helped heal my mind and my attitude. It is taking time and will take more time, but He is working. Thanks for listening. You don't know how much you have helped me. Thank you.
Pat

Thanksgiving

I hope you all had a good Thanksgiving.

We are now in Arizona, the Valley of the Sun. The weather is great, and we are adjusting very well. We left Oconomowoc the very end of October. We stopped in Des Moines, North Platte, Denver and Albuquerque along the way. We stayed in Denver two nights with our son PJ, and his wife Kersta. It was an adventure, but we were glad to arrive in Mesa and start our new winter life here.

I meant to write sooner but kept putting it off until I got in the mood. Next thing you know, a month has passed, and to be honest I had a few low points, and just did not feel like writing. By the grace of God I know I will get through these low times, and come out better in the end.  Jeanne was a trooper driving  six hours a day and hauling all my gear in and out of hotel rooms.  She had to set up my special bed each night after driving most of the day.  I hated that I could only watch her do all the work and I got quite depressed about that.  In fact, she's the one that should be depressed since she is doing all the work!  But she is up and positive and I am acting like a baby.  I should be happy to get out of the work!  Life is funny that way.  Jeanne keeps saying, "this is what God has given us, what are we going to do with it?"  That phrase always puts things in perspective and reminds me what a strong woman God has given me.
  I have had a good deal of nerve pain in my left arm.  It's my greatest obstacle to a good attitude .  We have tried acupuncture, but that does not seem to help. So now I am listening to the power of positive thinking by Norman Vincent Peale.  I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  No negative thoughts.  Jeanne keeps saying, "take your mind off the pain", which ticks me off, but I know there is something to that because when I'm occupied I don't notice the pain as much.  There are times that it doesn't work, but there are more times than it does.  So my new goal is to overcome the pain with a positive mental attitude and as much as possible disregard the pain.Enough of that!  The sun is out, there are books to read and a wife to kiss.  I will try not to let so much time pass before I write again.God bless and thanks for listening.God is good.Pat

Bohr Report

Well, it's been awhile since you heard from me, Pat, but after some nudging from family members, I feel the need to tell you what it's really like to be a quad. I think this will also be therapeutic for me. I'm going to let it all hang out and tell you how I'm really doing. But before I get started, I want to praise God in the highest, because I no longer need dialysis! My kidneys have returned to function, yes, my kidneys are working! I can't tell you how big a deal this is for me. And, I thank all of you that prayed from the bottom of my heart, thank you so much.

So now for all the friends that have asked my family members, "How is he doing? No, how is he really doing?" When I meet people on the street and they ask, "How are you doing?" I always say, "I am doing well, thank you". I never say, "Well I cried the other day for an hour because I can't ever rollerblade again." I don't say, "Well I had an accident, I pooped in my pants and was so humiliated that I wished I had died."

Now don't get me wrong, God is good, and I believe He has something in store for me to do. I believe good will come of all this, and in fact much good has all ready come from my accident. So when I tell you about my bad days I am doing so because I think people really want to know and again it will be good therapy for me. So here we go, what you are about to hear may not be appropriate for small children, reader discretion is advised.

After being in the hospital so long it became my home. I was very comfortable there, everything was predictable. The worst part was waking up every morning, opening my eyes and trying to move so I could get out of bed, and then remembering that I was a quad. I'd sometimes get a lump in my gut and think, no, not me, not forever. But then the nurses would come in to get me up and in my chair and I'd forget my plight. I had been using a chair supplied by the hospital for the first months, and then my chair arrived. The nurses were excited and said, "Wow, this is a beauty, Jean picked out a really nice chair for you!" But I thought, "Why, I won't be in a chair for that long, what's going on?" It took an a long time for my brain to catch up with my new condition. And still I will try to kick open a door with my foot and is just doesn't happen. But in the hospital they kept me so busy during the day with therapy that I didn't have much time to think about my new state.

There were no reminders of my old life. Jeanne brought many pictures of our grandkids and posted them on the wall where I could see them. But she was careful not to bring anything that would remind me of what I couldn't do. She made sure there were no pictures of me sailing, standing, driving or anything that would remind me of what I would never do again. She knew it was going to be a huge adjustment and it would have to happen in steps. She's a smart woman who has amazed me.

This is all for today, but I will continue sharing what I experienced when I first came home and the days that followed. This blog will now become my journal, because I feel I am finally ready to go back and remember what has happened. It has been a hard road, but God has never stopped being good and being my source of comfort and strength, but more on that later. Glory to God.

August Update

Yikes, another month of summer gone in a flash...time again for a Pops update. It's been a pretty good month for mom and dad, but it started out with a little bit of a scare. Mom and dad were driving one afternoon when suddenly dad couldn't speak. For about five minutes, he was fully alert but he couldn't talk...only garbled mumbling. Mom took him immediately to Froedtert where they kept him overnight for extensive testing. Apparently this mini-stroke was the result of a piece of plaque randomly dislodging itself and causing a minor blockage. A fluke thing but very scary for them nonetheless. His tests showed nothing abnormal and hopefully it will never happen again. It may have been minor, but a stroke is a stroke, even if it is "mini".

Pops got some great news earlier this month when he was able to drop his Wednesday dialysis completely. This is a major 'yahoo' for him because now he's down to just Monday's and Friday's. His kidneys seem to be on the borderline for dialysis, so keep praying that they would improve. Pops is no fan of dialysis.

After visiting the nerve doctor quite a few times, it was determined that dad is not eligible for nerve transplant surgery at this time. There are not enough good nerves in his left arm to provide for a good transplant, so right now all he can do is deal with the nerve pain and hope more nerves regenerate to allow for future surgery. His left arm is still bothering him on a daily basis, so we pray for those nerves to get down to business and do some regenerating.

Pops took his first road trip this month to join the fam in Chicago for Grandma Jinnie's surprise 90th birthday party. (Check out the new pics.) It was a great day and she was very, very surprised. I know what you're thinking...isn't a surprise party a little dangerous for a 90-year-old? Not Grandma Jinnie...heck, she runs faster than I do. P.J. and Kersta even flew in from Denver and Uncle Ward from Hawaii...it was great. A fantastic day thanks to Grandma's sweet friends, and Pops didn't mind the four hours in the car. The next big road trip??? Arizona for the winter...

Slowly things seem to be winding down for Pops as his weekly schedule lightens up. He just finished his last Tuesday occupational therapy session at Froedtert so now his Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays are reserved for random doctor appointments, stopping in at Genesis, and hanging out at home. Once in a while he gets stuck shopping with mom but he makes the best of it...like last week while mom was shoe shopping he entertained himself by asking people to direct him to the running shoes. He's funny. My favorite memory of this month was watching him race across a parking lot at 8 miles an hour and then stop abruptly right in the middle to do doughnuts. Well, that and when he told the story about him slipping into the seat hole of his shower chair until he was kissing his knees and then mom had to pull him out, which, as you can imagine, did not go as planned. The most entertaining stories tend to come from shower night...but that's to be expected when you're dealing with mom and a wet, slippery quad.

On the technology front, Pops now has a new laptop and a new dictation program that types whatever he says. He can pretty much run his whole computer just by speaking, which means he's ready for some electronic communication! His new email address is patbohrman@yahoo.com...feel free to say howdy.

Long ago when he was still in the hospital, dad was told by his surgeon that this is a marathon, not a sprint. This new life with his new body takes perseverance, determination, and a steady pace. As he continues to adjust to life as a quad, there are up days, down days, and just plain blah days. But life is good. God is steadfast. Thanks for the love. Keep praying.

And if a quad ever approaches you in a shoe store and asks where the running shoes are, don't fall for it...consider yourself warned.

Pops Update

It's been over a month so I'd say it's finally time for an update on Pops. It's hard to remember all that's happened since the "drinking of the pee" incident...there haven't necessarily been any huge steps made but dad continues to plug along at his daily routine. Overall, he's doing pretty well. The hardest thing for him continues to be the intense nerve pain that he almost constantly has in his left arm. On good days it's there but he can deal with it. On bad days it keeps him from doing much of anything as, according to him, it feels like being constantly stabbed with knives. It's awful. It seems so unfair...he's paralyzed and can't move yet he feels this horrible pain. Not cool. We are still told it could be good, that eventually he could get some movement back but there's no guarantee. To think that this pain could last forever makes us all cringe. The ray of hope is that he will most likely be having nerve transplant surgery in the next month that will allow him more use of that arm. Another possible surgery could give him more movement in his right hand. These possible surgeries give him and all of us hope. At this point the nerve pain is so bad some days I think he'd just like to amputate the darn thing. But he's being patient and hoping the surgery will be a success.

An exciting thing happened last week when he finally had his trach hole surgically closed. The trach hole that was supposed to close 3-5 days after the tube was removed has remained open the last 4 months so they had to do a skin graft to get it to close. All this time he has had to cover it with his hand to speak cause he would lose a lot of air. He sounded louder even right after the surgery and is happy to finally be able to scream. Well, not exactly scream but certainly speak with authority.

Another exciting thing was that we got their house cleaned out and already have an accepted offer! What a huge relief that was...mom worked her butt off sorting through years of 'precious things' (a.k.a. crap) and after many late nights the place is finally empty. We picked on her a lot for keeping so much junk over the years but we actually had a lot of fun looking through old stuff and laughing. Dad had to say goodbye to his "man room" (if you've seen it you know how cool it was) which was tough. Even tougher for him to deal with was the fact that none of us kids wanted many of his 'prized possessions', most of which he had found on the roadside or were discarded in dumpsters. He was also astounded nobody wanted his First Place Booster Club Trophy for Best Homecoming Float in 1995, but, um, aren't memories meant to be kept in your head anyways? We had fun but are all glad it's over.

Now mom and dad are working on getting totally unpacked and settled into their place at Mike and Becky's, and it's fun to see the routine that's unfolded. Cole wakes them up when the nurse comes in the morning, and there's usually some driveway races in the morning with Bapa and the kids. Cole usually wins but only if Bapa stays in Drive 1. In Drive 2, let's face it, those kids are toast. Fans and I are over there at least twice a week since Fans is officially the captain of the "Shower Team". Mom continues to reign as decorated captain of the "B-Team", and after last month's performance she now holds the title of "P-Team" Captain as well. God love her. They are still busy with a few trips to Froedtert each week and dialysis on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. The good news is that his Wednesdays have been reduced from 3 hours to 1 1/2. The less dialysis for Pops, the better...he doesn't enjoy it one bit, especially when his nerve pain is bad.

Overall, things are going well. Dad has had fun reconnecting with friends and family and enjoying a slower paced life. There are still many blessings pouring out of his accident and it's pretty amazing to watch it all unfold. Relationships being reconciled, faith being deepened, life being appreciated all because of one spinal cord injury. Even with the hard days, the exhaustion, and the frustration that is inevitable, there is still immeasurable joy. I see it in both mom and dad and when I do, I thank God. He really is the ultimate healer. A reminder that we are all being healed through dad's experience, that God does not want us to be the same we used to be. He wants us changed. It's easy for me to forget that, it's easy for me to slip into my old ways, to not hunger for God like I did when dad was so sick in the hospital. But when I see dad laughing, loving, being a better father than he ever used to be, God reminds me what He has done, and it is GOOD. What an amazing God we serve.

To HIM be the glory.

Urine my Heart, Urine my Soul....

Yeah, I thought the blog was over...I thought there wouldn't be more to tell. Boy, was I wrong. First things first, Pops took his seventh swallow test on Tuesday, and to be honest we all sorta expected him to fail (himself included)...I mean, it's hard to get excited after six previously unsuccessful attempts. But he gave it another go and.... HE FINALLY PASSED! And with flying colors, no less. His swallow was 100% normal...no having to turn his head or anything. Can you believe that? After six months of tube feedings he's now able to eat and drink whatever he wants, no thickener required. He didn't think he missed eating that much, but after a few bites of real food, it was hard to get him to stop. The past month he's been able to eat tiny amounts of food, but it had to be pureed, and let's be honest, there's just not that much great tasting pureed food out there. He couldn't even have ice cream or shakes because they melt down to a thin liquid which was totally off limits. But as we watched him scarf down two scoops of Chocolate Factory butter pecan, we shouted, "Slow down, Pops! If you gain any weight we won't be able to transfer you!" That could be a problem....he's lost about 40 pounds since the accident, so if he gains it back, lifting him will be tougher! But it's fun to see how happy he is eating again. My favorite was when I set the ice cream in front of him. His eyes widened, his mouth gaped, and he said, "Ohhhhhhhhhh, quick, strap on my spoon." He slammed that butter pecan like it was going out of style. God love him.

There's one more story to tell. It certainly falls into the "grosser than gross" category, but it's just screaming to be published. It involves mom and a bottle of urine. That's right folks, a big ol' bottle of urine. You see, dad has a permanent catheter for going to the bathroom...he's a quad, it comes with the territory. Sometimes mom has to hold his urine for 24 hours to be tested at the hospital. To do this, she simply empties his urine bag into a container and drops it off at Froedtert, no big deal. Now, mom has a favorite drink...some kind of protein soy drink that comes in a pretty purple bottle...and for reasons unknown, she sometimes keeps these pretty purple bottles in the car to use as urine storage on those days when they're running errands and she needs to empty his urine on the go, a traveling pee portal, if you will. So here's how the story goes...they're out and about at therapy all day and on the way home they stopped at Genesis where I happened to be working. Mom grabbed her supposed 'protein soy drink' and headed inside with dad. About 10 minutes later as I sat at the computer with dad, we suddenly heard mom scream, then gag, then scream some more. She then came running down the hall screaming, then gagging, then furiously waving her tongue from side to side while thrashing about, then screaming and finally gagging some more. We had no idea what had happened until she held up her pretty purple bottle of supposed 'protein soy drink' and screamed, "NO! NO! This is NOT my drink!!!! Uggggghhhhhh!!!!" She looked at dad. "I just drank your URINE!!!!!" As she continued her scream/gag/thrash/gag sequence, it suddenly all made sense. And boy, were we grossed out. And why wouldn't we be. Mom had just taken a swig of dad's own urine. Not just urine, but day-old urine that had been fermenting in the car. I mean, it's bad enough that she drank pee, but it wasn't even fresh pee. Is that not the most disgusting slash hilarious thing you've heard all day? It still makes me laugh. Out loud even. In fact, I'm laughing out loud right now. I hope you are too.

What's the moral of the story, kids? ALWAYS LABEL YOUR URINE STORAGE CONTAINERS. In fact, don't ever keep urine in the same pretty purple bottle that your favorite soy drink comes it. I mean, it's just basic street smarts, people. Needless to say, mom learned her lesson...we hope.

Overall, Pops is doing fabulous. Mom as well. As I watched dad enjoy more ice cream at the Kiltie tonight, I couldn't help but thank God for little (and big) miracles. There is still healing going on, even six months later. We are all praising God....well, mom maybe a little less since she now has to cook meals, do dishes, not to mention the drama dad's eating will bring to the B-Team...but heh, it's all good. I continue to be amazed at God...his wisdom, his timing, his uncanny ability to turn pain into beauty. Why do we doubt? He's got a tight hold of us and He's not letting go. We're in good hands. Urine good hands, too. Choose joy!

To God be the glory, great things he has done.

Amazing Grace

Well, we've heard from Pops (yahoo!), but I've also been bugging mom to write a post. She's totally computer-illiterate but tonight she finally handed me a hard copy....so here are a few words, er...make that 'many words' from mom:

As I reflect on these past six months, I am amazed at how our Heavenly Father has provided-how He has changed me...and how settled and at peace we both are in our new life together. I have experienced so many different stages-I remember early on, "explaining" to God that I simply would not make a very good caregiver...I'm much too selfish and independent-loving to travel, being alone, and definitely lacking in nursing skills. Just in case He didn't understand me, I remember emotionally kicking and screaming like a child-fighting what He expected of me. I remember being mad at both Pat and God...I felt cornered, I felt trapped-never to be 'free' again.

For some strange reason, God didn't change things because I thought He should...I'm so thankful I serve a never-changing master, a Heavenly Father that loves me more than I could ever imagine-and who knows me better than I know myself.

As the days turned into weeks and the weeks turned into months...I was broken, I let go, I accepted becoming more dependent on Him-feeling more settled and at peace than I ever have in my life. Letting go of my life...actually gave me life. Believe it or not, I'm even 'free-er'...yes, free to accept, free to enjoy, free to experience what God has done in my life and heart and how He has shown me what He made me for-this very special walk, a walk that few are privileged to walk-a walk with Him leading every step with people everywhere praying...fervently praying for Pat and our little family...who could ask for more.

For you see, I am a 24/7 - actually a 22/7 caregiver (with 2 hours of nursing care) and I'm not even half bad at it! Amazingly, it's probably the most rewarding thing I've ever done in this life of mine...a life that I too often spent fighting for 'my' time. Now, with very little 'my' time, I've never been happier. "Happy" has a different definition than it used to- just like "fun" and "life"-it's better, fuller, and lots more meaningful. There's a peace in my soul, a sense of satisfaction-a total reassurance that I'm doing what I was meant to do...what I was created to do- a caregiver and advocate for my husband of almost 35 years...who woulda thought.

Those of you who know me well, know this is truly a miracle of God above! It just isn't me! Life is so much simpler-quieter, gentler, easier. When hubby is a quad, you don't have to be on time for anything! And though it may take 2 hours to get Bohr ready in the morning, I can be ready in 20 minutes! How things have changed...

After about 3 months (sometime in March) I was given a card at the hospital that stated "We were not created for pleasure, we were created for joy". I thought to myself, "What is that? What does that mean?" For some reason, I couldn't get that saying out of my mind- joy and pleasure, pleasure and joy...what's the difference? It wasn't till we arrived home and my "new career" started that I fully experienced joy. Believe it or not, there is a difference-and it comes when you least expect it, when you're not even looking for it...especially when you're not looking for it.

Our life before was filled with loads of pleasure, but not much joy-some of you know what I mean. I pray that the rest of you will be able to experience joy in your life-in one way or another. I'm so thankful, again, that early on my Heavenly Father didn't change my path as I thought He should. He was well aware of what I was capable of and who I would become through all of this 'life change'...different, but better. Choosing joy in all circumstances-being settled and at total peace knowing what I was created for...and loving it. Accepting and fulfilled in a life I could never have imagined living.

We laugh more-and look at each other more, I mean really look at each other. Pat thanks me for all I do for Him-I thank him (and God) for giving me the opportunity to do this caregiving thing-I'm blown away by my new heart-my nursing skills and the fact that I'm finally the 'captain' of a team...even if it is the Bowel Team! And ya know what...I'm a darn good B-Team captain!

At the end of a day, I have a sense of satisfaction and an appreciation for my life that I've never experienced before. We've shared moments with each other when we've actually admitted that we "wouldn't want to go back to our life of pleasure", for this is better...very different, but better.

Throughout Pat's hospital stay, I always looked back on the prayer we prayed the morning of his accident-remembering the 'stirring' I felt from my Heavenly Father...to pray that our family would glorify God this last Christmas. And I remember arriving home from the hospital just two days after the accident and the kids saying, "Hey mom, we started a blog". "What's a blog?" I said. (I don't even know how to email.) Then I watched in amazement as God unfolded His promise to me -to us-as He was glorified through this little family He created...through this thing called a 'blog'.

I am forever humbled by the kindness of everyone, your generosity leaves me speechless-your prayers forever cherished. I (we) felt your prayers, then and now. We have a peace that surpasses all understanding...another of God's promises fulfilled.

We are excited about what our future holds- Pat will finally retire! We're hoping to spend winters in Arizona where we bought a little condo last year (from a woman in a wheelchair) ...God knew! And He knows where we're headed. We rest in His plan for us...and we anticipate a fulfilling life-a life where He will use us now more than ever.

To God be the glory, and thank you, thank you, thank you.

In His precious love,
Jean

Thank You, Thank You, Thank You

Hello, this is Pat. It's been a long time coming, and it's time to say thank you. I want to thank everyone that prayed and brought food and gifts (a special thank you to "me" who so generously and anonymously keeps our gas tank full...who are you???) And thank you to those that have commented on this blog. The encouragement you guys gave me sustained me through the hardest times. Whenever I read the blog comments I always start crying...knowing so many were praying was overwhelming. I know your prayers worked. I felt their power, I really did. Every morning when I woke up and realized where I was, I said thank you Lord for another day. Your prayers were tremendous support and encouragement. I don't know how you'd make it through something like this without faith and family.

During my nine hours of dialysis a week, I've decided to use that time to pray for all of you that prayed for me and it brings me great peace. God is good. I would ask for continued prayer for my wife who has been my greatest source of strength. She came to the hospital practically every single day, even when I told her it wasn't necessary. It was always so good to see her. I'm a lot to take care of...a full time job...and she's never complained. Pray she never has to...between feedings, meds, dressing, carting me around, and the bowel program (referred to as 'quality time' by the Froedtert nurses). Jean has been forced to become a caregiving nurse and she's done it in style...a real trooper. She absolutely amazes me. You can also pray for continued healing for me as I have a lot of nerve pain in my left arm, which isn't necessarily a bad thing since it might mean there is healing and the nerves may reconnect which would mean more use of my left arm. You can also pray that my kidneys continue to regain function to I could reduce or get off of dialysis. Believe it or not, I'm still trying to pass a swallow test. By now I'm so used to having my meals squirted into me through a tube that I really don't miss eating that much. And Jean doesn't mind the tube because it means she doesn't have to cook! So I'm not sure I want to pass the swallow test...we'll see....leave it up to God, He knows best.

This blog thing is amazing. So many people have come up to me and said, "You don't know me, but I've been praying for you and following the blog daily." It's quite incredible. My kids decided to start it as a means to keep people up to date with my injury, but thanks to my daughter Amy it has turned out to be a life-changing blessing to more people than I can imagine. Thank you Amy.

I want you all to know that I'm doing well. I won't say that there haven't been some down days, but I never really got angry. The nurses even commented that I never got angry. And that's, I believe, due to your prayers and God's mercy. I'm getting over waking up with my mind thinking I'm normal and then realizing I'm a quad. Every day is easier. And I've talked to a number of quads that have said it only gets better. So I do what my daughter Amy tells me...choose joy, Pops. So that's what I do...I make a choice to rejoice.

And there are some advantages to being a quad. I don't have to help anybody move, or lift heavy objects, and I do get perks from Froedtert like Brewers tickets and pit passes to this year's Milwaukee Mile. I was within spitting distance of Danika Patrick. And, of course, the rock star parking is nice.

God gave me 56 wonderful years upright and active, so now I'll be a spectator and an observer. I'm already sleeping better, and I'm not in such a hurry to keep busy. So it's not all bad. I used to pray in a rush on the way to work...always in a hurry, never enough time. Now, I pray with no hurry, no rush, I talk to God like he's my friend. I ask Him why, and He hasn't told me yet. And right now I don't care. I will see Him in heaven, whole again for eternity, and that's what matters.

I hope that we have glorified God through our family. Nothing would make me more joyful. Well, I guess this is the end of this part of the story. If I start walking, we'll let you know. Thank you again from the very bottom of my heart. I love all of you and will continue to pray. God is good. Amen.

Save the Drama for Your Mama

Pops is still doing well as he continues to adjust to life at home. He and mom are getting the routine down and things are going smoother and quicker than they were the first week. I think the mental adjustment takes the biggest toll...and I imagine that it takes quite some time to get used to the reality of life as a quad. I am very proud of them and their attitude...their days revolve around dad and his routine, but hopefully when things calm down they will have time to relax and just have fun. Right now it's a little nuts since whenever mom is not with dad she's trying to clean out their house to get it ready to sell. And Fans and I move to Wisconsin on Tuesday so we've got our own drama going on. Aye carumba. It may be a bit crazy right now, but as someone very wise once said, "save the drama for your mama". So we plug along...

I've been able to stay at the house this past week and it's fun to watch the grandkids interact with dad. You can really see them getting more comfortable with their new Bapa, especially Paige. Today she sat on his lap and they cruised down the street to watch the diggers. Too cute. It is an amazing blessing that mom and dad get to live with Mike and Becky and the kids. Such a great set-up...constant entertainment.

With all the commotion going on, I have to say it's a huge blessing that people continue to send over meals and gas cards. Your kindness is overwhelming, and as I look at the calendar and how long it's been since the accident I can't believe you all aren't sick of the Bohrmans yet. Seriously... thank you for being a blessing to us. By the way, Treva...bravo on the pea soup. What flawless consistency. Although Pops was "stuffed" after two teaspoons, it was delicious. Nicely done.

Pops continues with dialysis three times a week, but they are still deciding if he needs it or not. We keep praying that he would be healthy enough to be done. His left arm has also been causing him a lot of pain, so we pray the doctors would be able to help him with that. Otherwise, things are going pretty well. We all have our fair share of bad days, frustrating moments, and fumbly transfers...but thankfully God is full of grace. Blessings abound.

P.S. Pops told me he'd like to write the next post...so look for a word from the man himself coming soon to a blog near you...Until then, thanks for the love.

Hanging In There

Dad's first week at home is almost over...and it's gone pretty well so far. There's certainly a lot to learn and everything seems to take a long time...but we know with some practice the caregiving will become routine and go more smoothly. Right now everything's new and a little awkward but for the first week home, it's been good. I continue to be impressed with mom and how well she has picked up the art of nursing...she's incredible. Pretty worn out, but incredible nonetheless. There is a nurse that comes from 9 pm to 9 am every night which is an immense help.

As far as dad's spirits, he has good moments and bad. Overall he's adjusting well, but of course there's times when the reality of it all is overwhelming. We were told the first week would be the toughest, so with that in mind everyone's pretty thankful it's gone as well as it has. There have been a few trips to the coffee shop, trips to the hospital for dialysis, and he and mom have been out running errands as usual. When I talked to mom today, she and Pops were at the grocery store and she was having trouble finding him...he tends to take off down the aisles and she can't keep up with his speed.

When I'm not in Wisconsin I am always anxious to hear how the day went and if Pops is okay. Each day that passes is another hurdle cleared...and I'm so thankful that dad is doing well. There will always be days that are just plain hard, but for the most part, both mom and dad have a good attitude and are focusing on life ahead and forgetting what's behind. I know that Pops is anxious to find things that he is able to do, so pray that in the weeks ahead he would discover new possibilities, new purposes, new hobbies to fill his time. I know with all my heart that God has a purpose for him, so we pray that in time Pops gets a clear vision of that purpose. And if you think of it, pray for his kidneys....apparently he is on the verge of not needing dialysis. It would be huge for him if he could be done with it, so we pray he continues to make beautiful pee. And keep praying for his trach hole to close...he still loses air and it drives him crazy.

Thanks for the continued prayers, encouraging words, and electronic hugs. God continues to shine through this drama and we continue to praise Him. Onward and upward...

Pops is Home

It's official. Pops no longer resides at Froedtert Hospital. Today he came home. For good. How amazing is that? Apparently we did such a good job keeping him alive this weekend they thought we were ready for the real deal. It's almost surreal that he's actually home...I don't think it's really sunk in yet. Mom of course will have the biggest adjustment of all, being his number one caregiver. But how exciting for her that tomorrow she won't be driving to the hospital as she has been every day for the last 5 1/2 months...wait, scratch that...they do have to go to the hospital for dialysis. But, heh, maybe the next day she won't have to...

He'll have a nurse that spends the nights and helps with the morning routine, but other than that mom's got him covered as far as meds, stretching, feeding, etc. I've got to say she's doing a great job...it's an incredible amount of work but as I told her tonight, "Hey, one day down, only like 30 years to go!" It's such a blessing they live with Mike and Becky cause there's usually someone to help out, even if that someone happens to be four years old. And Fans and I officially move to Wisconsin in three short weeks and are very excited to be closer to the action.

Pops also got his first taste of real food tonight...first food in almost six months...that's a crazy long time without tasting food. Mike cooked him up some ravioli...(dad's only allowed five teaspoons of food...and it has to be in mashed/pureed form) but the look on dad's face was priceless. He has a lot of rules to follow when it comes to eating...but he can have tiny amounts if he's very careful. Tomorrow we may even go to the coffee shop! (He can have two teaspoons of coffee if we add thickener to it...mmmm....delicious, right? Hey, baby steps, people, baby steps.)

It was a big day. Pops left one family to come home to another. A day of mixed emotions, for sure, as those nurses at the hospital truly have become family for dad. There were lots of goodbye tears, lots of sadness mixed with excitement. He'll be back at Froedtert regularly for therapy and dialysis, at least for a little while, so he will get a chance to see his nurses again. We love them all so much...they are amazing people. They will always be family to us....and we will be forever in debt to them for loving our Pops through some very tough months.

He's home. Lots of challenges ahead to be sure...but for today, we praise God for bringing our Pops home. A day we thought would never come. To God be the glory.

Mother's Day

Joy. As I try to figure out how to put this weekend into words, I can't seem to wipe the smile off my face. This is what real joy feels like. I thought I knew that feeling, I thought I'd been there before....but I think this weekend brought us to a new level of joy. A joy where you just have to look to heaven and shake your head and wonder how God can be so good. But I guess that's what joy is supposed to be...a complete awareness that things are good only because God has made them good. We had a great weekend. Pops was home.

It was an even bigger weekend, as P.J. and Kersta happened to be in from Denver for dad's first overnight stay. Pops arrived home Saturday and we spent the afternoon hanging outside, playing with the grandkids, gettin' a little sun. A highlight was Cole sitting on dad's lap 'driving' with Paige riding behind in a wagon tied to dad's chair. It was pretty funny. I had gone inside to get something when I heard mom yell, "Now STOP it Bohrman! That's way too fast! You do NOT need to go that fast with them!" The kids, of course, thought it was perfectly fine for Bapa to be in Drive 2. The mothers, of course, thought otherwise.

Despite everyone being a little anxious, the night went really well. Since it was his first time overnight, we don't quite have the routine down so it took some time to get him comfortable. With some practice I'm sure it will become second nature. Mom did a great job giving him all his meds and stomach feedings, though dad would probably say at times he was being fed more air than actual food, but we'll let that go for now. He slept like a baby all through the night and never made a peep. Mom on the other hand was up every hour checking to see if he was okay...much like the mother of a newborn needing the assurance of breathing and life.

Pops even made it to church this morning, and it was awesome to see him reunite with people he hasn't seen since the accident. Pastor Terry noticed us in the back row and said a special hello followed by the whole church giving Pops a standing ovation. I know it brought Pops to tears along with the rest of us. What a thing to be loved by the family of God, to know these people have been praying for Pops since day one and have fought alongside us the whole time. I know dad was incredibly touched and it was a moment we won't soon forget.

Tonight, for the first time, dad wasn't ready to return to the hospital. He told mom that this was the first time he was ready to stay home for good, that home is where he's supposed to be. That's a big deal. For him, the hospital has always been the safe place, but after this weekend he's finally ready to come home. And we realized just what a hole he's left in our family the last five months. What a difference it is to have him with us, even when he's just sitting in his chair amidst the chaos...watching all that's going on without missing a thing. Very aware. Very content. Very present. And then tonight when he went back to the hospital...what a hole he leaves behind. I was keenly aware of how incomplete our family has been, it's just not the same without Pops around.

What joy. What a great weekend. I wouldn't trade this mother's day for any other. We didn't do anything too out of the ordinary, just a normal weekend with the fam, but it was unlike any mother's day we've ever had. We go deeper than we used to, we love better than we used to, we appreciate each other more than we used to....and thanks be to God. We are being changed. We are being stretched. And we would never go back.

We praise God for how He blessed this weekend. It's a lot of work and dad comes with a lot of attachments, but for being the first time home I'd say it went great. As mom told the nurses when she took dad back to the hospital tonight, "Look! He's still alive! We did it!"

The Results are In

Well, technically speaking...he kinda sorta passed, a little. His therapist said his swallow looks a little better than last time, but he didn't necessarily get the green light to eat on his own. He will begin a regimen of therapeutic eating, which means one of his therapists has to be present when he eats to make sure everything goes smoothly. And he has to start with a diet of soft foods, no thin liquids or Kiltie burgers. I was really ready for him to finally pass the darn thing, but we're all about baby steps. He will have yet another swallow test in a month to monitor his progress, and he may receive more collagen in the future to help the process. I guess we have to be glad his therapists are being extra careful...it's not worth taking the chance and getting pneumonia.

So on the menu for our mother's day dinner? All you can eat pudding, applesauce, and ice cream...yahoo!

Botox, Anyone?

Pops may not be getting Botox anytime soon, but he did have a collagen injection earlier this week. And it wasn't to give him plumper lips. Medically speaking, they injected collagen into the thingies in his throat so that they would seal properly when he swallowed. The true test to see if it worked will be tomorrow when he has his fifth swallow test. Yep, that's right. Swallow test number five. Tomorrow. Two-thirty. Pray for him!

Dad's doing well. He came home for the afternoon on Sunday and we got to hang outside and do some catching up with a few family and friends. It was a good day. He really loves being outside and after five months in the hospital, who wouldn't? When he's done with therapy for the day, he and mom get to roam the hospital and find a sunny spot to sit outside. How fun it was to see him waiting for me outside the hospital entrance when I pulled into the parking garage today. I got so excited I laid on the horn and yelled out the window. Not a smart move considering the elderly man on oxygen standing behind him jumped about five feet in the air. Whoopsie.

His dialysis schedule has been changed to Monday/Wednesday/Friday which will allow him to come home this weekend. If all goes as scheduled he may even get to spend the night for the first time. Pray that all goes well so this can happen. It would make for a great mother's day weekend, that's for sure.

I have to say a big thank you to all the Awana kids from ABC. The highlight of Sunday was watching a "video get-well card" that they made for dad...and it was precious. Dad loved it and was very touched. He misses his Awana kids and hopes to see them all soon.

As I watch dad interact with the nurses that have become family, and watch mom taking on the role of caretaker with courage, determination, and of course, boat loads of humor....all I can be is thankful. Thankful that God goes before us...and knows what lies ahead. As I watch my parents go through the toughest thing they've ever faced, I find myself looking up to them more than ever....amazed at their faith, amazed at their perseverance, amazed at their promise to each other....'in sickness and in health'. It certainly ain't all peaches and cream, and tears still come pretty easily...but I see God working in this, and it's an unexplainable joy. Joy that only comes from knowing Christ, and knowing that he holds our family in the palm of his hand.

Thank you God for holding us, sustaining us, and of course, for collagen injections. Here's to a clean swallow!

"Two Weeks"

I saw Pops on Wednesday and he looked really good. When I walked in the room he was staring intently at the cell phone in his hand. I asked what he was doing and he said, "Well, I've been trying to call you." I looked at the phone. "Pops, your phone's not on." "Well, yeah, that's sort of the problem..."

I know it's hard for him to struggle with things like using his cell phone, but it's very encouraging to see him trying. I notice tiny improvements in how he uses his fingers, he doesn't have actual grip but he can pinch them around things. In time he can only get better at it. Who knows what he'll learn to do with those fingers....but we definitely need to get him a phone with bigger buttons...

Well, he had a fourth swallow test...but this time, instead of getting an F, he got a C+. It turns out the only time his swallow works correctly is when he's looking down and to the right. Bizarre. They took a more serious scope of his throat this time, and basically, it's just all messed up in there. His failed swallow has less to do with his spinal cord injury and more to do with his accident and the subsequent surgeries. Basically, everything in his throat was twisted in the accident, and then when he had spinal surgeries, they shifted things around even more. Now the parts that need to match up for a clean swallow don't, if that makes any sense. So the doctors may go in to do surgery to try and repair his swallow. Either way, they say he will eat again, either after surgery....or always looking down and to the right.

Because of all the potential surgeries, they're not sure when he'll be coming home...probably at least 2 more weeks. Ever seen "The Money Pit"? It was a family favorite and every time we're told "two weeks!" we have to laugh. It seems we've been told 'two weeks' for about a month and a half. All in God's perfect timing...

Still waiting to hear about the other possible surgeries. Still waiting for that trach hole to close. Still waiting to be eligible for a service monkey that we can teach to open doors, turn pages, and do the macarena. All in good time.

Blessings abound. To God be the glory.

Possibilities

Things are still going pretty well for the Popster. He spent another Sunday afternoon at home with Mom, Becky, and the grandkids...and I'm told it was a good day. Dad said that each time he leaves the hospital (and it's only been 3 or 4 times) it seems to get a little easier. I'm so thankful that it's taking so long to get him home for good because it's allowing him to gradually ease into reality...it really is a blessing. Too much reality too fast would be too stinkin' hard...for all of us. So he came home for another beautiful sunny Sunday and mom got to test out the new transfer lift she had ordered. It allows her to get Pops in and out of his chair all by herself. She said it worked well. He also got to test out his new bed and his 'go-go-gadget' mattress that automatically turns him every 30 minutes. It's very high-tech, very James Bondish, and very cool. What we won't do for our Pops.

I guess they even ventured out of the driveway and took a walk downtown with the grandkids. I asked how dad did with that, and mom said he did pretty well. He said it's hard to hear the sound that his wheelchair makes on the sidewalk because it reminds him of the sound his rollerblades made. As mom said, there's no looking back...all we can do is look forward.

It was a good day...no mishaps, no surprises. Mom has a twin bed pushed next to dad's and I guess they were resting (or trying to) as the grandkids jumped all over them....what a great picture. I know dad loved it. Little Mikey even feel asleep on Bapa and they took a nap together. How beautifully normal.

His coming home is probably still about two weeks away due to some possible surgeries in the future. There are some exciting things happening...nothing for sure, but the possibilities alone are exciting. First off, they will be doing some work on his trach hole to get it to close...it should have closed on it's own by now, but it hasn't and he still loses a lot of air when he speaks. So this week they should have it closed for good and maybe then a fourth swallow test right away. That would rock.

They are talking about another surgery soon to implant a dialysis catheter that would allow him to have dialysis at night while he sleeps. This would be so great as he hates dialysis...it's long, boring, and takes up a good chunk of his day. If he gets this surgery, he could do his dialysis at night three times a week and sleep through the whole thing. That would rock.

The most exciting possible surgery would be a nerve transplant in his left shoulder. The doctors want to go in and try to repair/transplant many of the nerves that were damaged in the accident. The best outcome of this would be movement in that shoulder. That would rock.

It sounds like all of these surgeries could be happening soon, and we pray that they do. Lots of possibilities for change in the next few weeks, and that's exciting. As a person that hates change, I'm actually learning to embrace it, even the kind that rips the floor out from under you. Because no matter what change brings, we serve a God that doesn't change; a God that in a world of pain, confusion, and chaos, remains solid as a rock. Change is good. Bring it on. With God, all things are possible.

And that rocks.

Flying Bologna

Pops has been pretty tired lately. His days continue to be busy with rehab, dialysis, and all his therapies. His left arm has been causing him a lot of pain lately, and though they can't say for sure that his nerves are growing back, we of course hope they are. The pain comes on quickly and is sharp and intense, which according to his therapist is a good sign. He is on meds for the nerve pain, but it's hard not to get a little excited when I see him wince. It seems sorta backwards to be happy that he's in pain, but it's exciting to think he may be gaining movement in that arm.

Because of the pain, the doctors wanted to explore the arm further so he had an MRI and also a nerve test done. Even after the tests they can't tell us that for sure that his arm will gain movement, but they also can't say that it won't. The nerves in his shoulder are definitely damaged due to the nature of the accident and not due to the spinal cord injury. So it's questionable if he will ever get shoulder movement in the left side. But the arm is a little more hopeful...there's more potential for nerve regeneration there. There may be a possibility in the future for surgery to try and repair the shoulder, but at this time all we can do is wait and see. The doctor that performed the nerve test (an acupuncture-like thing involving lots of needles) was surprised at what he saw. After looking at the x-rays and studying the damage done to his neck and shoulder he looked at dad and said, "Based on what I see, there's no reason you should be alive right now."

Funny how one little sentence can knock you into reality. He's alive. He shouldn't be. But he's alive. Not only alive, but alert, competent, and dare I say healthy? How blessed are we? Once in awhile, it's good to take the focus off the paralysis, dialysis, and nerve damage and realize that, for cryin' out loud, we've still got our dad. There may be no medical reason that he's still with us, but obviously God has a reason for him to be here. And, thankfully, God trumps medicine.

Mom continues to get ready for his arrival home in a few weeks. A hospital bed was delivered to the house and she ordered a special lift to assist with transfers. When I asked dad how he felt about coming home, he said he was 'neutral'. He's very used to the hospital routine, he knows what to expect, and he said he's quite comfortable there. If something goes wrong, you just push a button and a nurse appears in the door. If he needs anything at all...boom, there it is. Push a button at home and he'll be lucky if he gets a piece of bologna thrown at him. Relax...I'm kidding. Mom won't throw any food at him. She can't cook, silly.

We pray that the next few weeks are smooth for dad and that he has peace about the big move home. We thank God for bringing him this far; for giving him, and each of us, a reason to be alive.

Aw, Nuts

I can't believe it, but dad did not pass the swallow test. Aye carumba. We are all disappointed. His speech therapist said his swallow is better than last time, but she's still not comfortable letting him eat yet. Because he literally did not use those muscles for four months, it takes time for them to gain strength. So we wait another 3-4 weeks and he'll try for a fourth time.

Sure, it's a big fat bummer, but you know what? There's too many good things going on for a failed swallow test to get us down (just read yesterday's post). Pops feels the same way. So what if he waits another month before he can eat or drink....maybe that's just more of God's perfect timing. With all the exciting commotion that the next few weeks promises, maybe tube feeding will just be easier for all of us. It's all good.

But now I'm starting to think dad really is avoiding mom's cooking. Hmmm....it's certainly possible....

What A Day

Wow. We had a pretty great day today. For the first time, dad was able to leave the hospital, and this time he went farther than the parking garage. (Mom got an awesome new accessible van and yesterday she and Pops went for a cruise. But they were feeling a little nervous about leaving the safety of the hospital, so they ended up driving from the first floor of the parking garage up to the fifth floor and back again. Not the most scenic drive, but we're all about baby steps here.)

But today was a different story! Fans and I met mom at the hospital to pick up dad, and I'll admit we were all feeling pretty anxious. Dad also had mixed feelings about the day. After almost five months in the hospital, it's a major deal to load up in a van, leave the nurses behind, and head out on the road. Basically, Pops has to trust us to care for him in case something were to go wrong, and that can be a little scary....for all of us. But we did it! And we're all feelin' good...

We got to show him the house Fans and I will be moving into soon, and then we headed to Mike and Becky's where he and mom will be living when he leaves the hospital permanently. We weren't quite sure how easy it would be for him to get around the house, but it turned out to be really quite accessible for him. Mike and Becky designed it well, and he was impressed with all of it, especially his huge bathroom that's been customized for his needs. We spent the rest of the afternoon outside playing with the grand kids, hanging out in the sunshine. It was beautifully normal. Well, there was one minor mishap, but we dealt with it. (And by "we" I am referring directly to the B-Team.) Yeah, that's right...we came, we saw, we boweled. It was empowering. It was fantastic. Well, I guess it's mostly mom who should be proud, but we were able to transfer dad with no problem, and it was a relief to know we could do it, and do it well!

The quote of the day came when Mike and Fans were moving a heavy sofa into the garage. As we watched them strain and grunt, dad said, "Hmm. Finally a moment where I'm actually happy to be a quad." See...there are benefits...

All in all, a great day. A chance for dad to live in reality, if only for an afternoon. A chance for all of us to see what our new life will be like. A much different life, but life nonetheless. We agreed that we'll probably be spending many future Sunday's much like this one. Hanging outside, watching the kids play, chillin' on lawn chairs. Sounds pretty normal, right? I love normal. Normal is nice.

We got Pops back to the hospital by 5:30 p.m. and he was pretty wiped out. He agreed it was a great day and went better than expected. I think we all realized that, as a family, we're going to be okay. There will be surprises and mistakes and challenges, but you know what, we're going to be okay. I am in awe of how God is working this out, how he is bringing us together in ways we may have never experienced otherwise. What a blessing. Thank you God for leading us through today.

And tomorrow could be just as huge. At 9:30 a.m. Pops will be taking the swallow test for the third time. We pray, pray, pray that he finally passes and it's bye-bye stomach tubes. This has been a challenge for him the last few months, so we are praying the third time really is a charm. We have no doubt that whatever the outcome, it's all going to be okay. Not because of our own strength or our own abilities, but simply because with God all things are possible. It's only because of Him that we are able to do anything, we are never beyond the reach of his grace.

We give Him all the glory.

The B-Team

Dad continues to plug along...rehab, dialysis, therapy...he's a pretty busy guy. He could have his third swallow test at the end of this week, or else early next week. His speech therapist said his swallow is much stronger than even a few weeks ago. Woo hoo! Slowly but surely. His left arm continues to have some pain and tingling, and it's unsure how long that will last. We continue to pray that those nerves are growing back.

I got to hang out with dad tonight and we spent some time going through some blogs...he said it's great for his spirits to read not only the comments but the older posts as well. We read one from December where we were rejoicing because he had breathed on his own for 20 whole minutes...yikes, how far he's come! Thank God for the many, many baby steps (or in his case, wheel rotations) that dad has taken.

There's much to be learned in the next few weeks...I got to help with a transfer tonight and was even asked if I was going to be a part of his "bowel program". Dad and I just looked at each other and laughed. There's nothing funny about the reality of his condition and all it entails, but sometimes you just have to laugh. As I contemplated being bowel trained, Pops said, "Well, now you've got something to write about tonight...a private invitation to be on my bowel team!" Not an invitation I thought I would ever get, but, heh, I consider it an honor to just have been nominated...and I didn't even have a speech prepared...

Wow. So many new things to prepare for...many unexpected challenges ahead. Without faith in an all-knowing God and a good sense of humor, how could we do it? I'm thankful this is stretching our faith, cause no matter how strong your bowel team, without God we're pretty darn helpless.

Cruisin' with Bapa

I haven't been able to see Pops since Wednesday, but mom says the past few days have been pretty good. He had a great visit with good buddy and fellow quad Jason Hall on Friday. Jason has always been a close family friend and now of course he and Pops are closer than ever. He is a great resource for our family and understands dad better than probably anyone. I see many shenanigans in their future....hopefully they can stay out of trouble.

Today dad had a good visit with Mike, Becky, and the grand kids. I guess Cole and Paige got to ride on Bapa's lap and cruise the halls. Even Mikey joined in the fun...I wish I could have seen all three of them on his lap...must have been pretty cute. Pops continues to enjoy his freedom and joined everybody for lunch in the cafeteria...more momentous than it sounds, of course. I know it must be tough for dad...he was always a hands-on grandpa, always with a kid in his arms. But I hope that he is learning to enjoy being a different kind of Bapa. He may not be able to hug and squeeze, but that doesn't mean they have to stop squeezin' him...

There is a specific prayer request we have...he has been feeling a lot of pain in his left arm, which is the arm that he has no movement in. He is able to pinch the fingers a little bit, but he can't lift the arm itself at all. But recently that left arm has been very sensitive...even when mom puts a blanket over it dad feels pain. This may or may not be a positive. It could be a sign that his nerves are growing back and he is regaining movement. Or it could mean nothing. No one can say for sure what it means, but we are praying it may be a sign that his left arm is waking up and there could be movement in the future. So if Pops comes to your mind, pray for his left arm!! Who knows what could happen?? Having left arm movement would be hugely beneficial for him...and at this point it seems to be good sign that he feels so much pain in it. We'll see...

He just finished his last round of antibiotics so we also pray that he remains healthy. It will be the true test to see if all the infections he's dealt with in the past are really gone. Let's pray they are.

Continued blessing, continued growth, continued prayers...God remains steadfast. To Him be the glory.

Better Than Football

Continued forward progress on the Pops front....slow but steady. Therapy is going pretty well, and dad is taking advantage of finally feeling healthy after months of struggling with one issue or another. On the wall of his room was posted a story he had written himself...the letters are scribbly but certainly legible. I know he gets down about his abilities and how long it takes him to do things, but to see a paragraph he had written was very exciting. His story involved a fair maiden named Jean who lived in a castle with her grandchildren and a handsome prince...hmmmm...vaguely familiar...

It was great to see him trach-free, but since he loses some air through the hole he has to cover his throat with his hand to speak. But he sounds really good. His voice is a little weak, and he needs to take a breath after each sentence, but hopefully he will get stronger. Due to his accident and the damage to his diaphragm, he may never have the voice or breath strength that he used to, but to us he sounds great. His blood sugar has finally stabilized so he no longer needs insulin every day. For him that means no more finger pricks! Yahoo! The doctors still plan to send him home in 2 to 3 weeks, so mom is working on buying an accessible van to make the transition smoother. A sweet ride to go with his sweet chair...

The crazy snowstorm yesterday which began as a headache for me turned into a magical night with my Pops. As I headed to the hospital to stop in and see dad on my way home to Chicago, I spun out on I-94 and 360'd my way across three lanes of traffic without getting hit. A miracle in itself...but it spooked me so bad I told dad I wasn't leaving till the snow stopped. So my expected one hour stop turned into a long night hanging out with Pops...and what a blessing it turned out to be. For the first time ever, dad asked if I would show him the blog, so I followed him to the gym and we hopped on the computer. He has heard about the blog and how it works, but has never quite been ready to face reality and all that has happened to him in the past four months. He was pretty blown away...the pictures of him in the beginning, his very critical condition, all the people that have been reading about him and praying....he just couldn't believe it. He cried...a lot. I kept asking if it was too much, if we should go back to his room, but he said, "No, no, I want to read it." Even I had forgotten much of what he's been through, and it was good to go back and realize just how far he's come. Unbelievable. We only went through a few of the first posts and the most recent, but he really loved it. I think it's good for him, sort of helps the healing process, I suppose. Know that he greatly appreciates the prayers and comments...he was blown away to say the least.

The night only got better...he escorted me down to the cafeteria for dinner (well, I ate and he watched, but it was precious nonetheless) and it hit me harder than I thought it would. I looked around and wanted to yell, "Helllllo, people, yoo hoo!...do you see me over here?? I am eating dinner with my Pops!...do you have any idea how amazing this is?" But the general public seemed pretty oblivious to the fact that the cafeteria was offering much more than Swedish meatballs that night. It was offering a slice of 'normalcy' for us as, day by day, we seem to get a little piece of our Pops back. Yes, it's going to be very tough moving back into the real world, but I have never been more sure of God's perfect timing. His absolute, precise, never a second late timing. Mom is still readying the house for dad to move home, but it should be done in about 2-3 weeks. Perfect timing.

I had said goodbye and was leaving dad's room last night when he said, "Ames?"
I stopped and turned around. "Yeah?"
"Better than playing football, right?"
I smiled. "Yeah. Without a doubt, Pops, better than football."

God is smart. Way smart. What a privilege to be used by Him in this way. And how awesome to watch as before our eyes He is turning pain and suffering into something beautiful. God is good.

For Sale: Trach, Gently Used

Yes, that's right. The trach is history. Dad got it removed this morning. Yahoo! How great is that? I vote we paint it gold and make it a Christmas ornament. (I just got a mental picture of our hypothetical service monkey climbing to the top of the Christmas tree to place the shiny gold trach at the top. Is that weird? Sounds pretty doable to me.) Anyway, I digress. So now he's left with a dime sized hole in his neck that should heal over pretty quickly. Pretty gross. It's an exciting day, as being trach-free can only be good for dad's health and should guarantee him a passed swallow test in a few weeks. Here's hoping.

He was able to take a cruise with mom and leave the fifth floor for the first time ever yesterday. They went on a tour of the hospital, and mom showed him all the places our family has gotten to know so well...the cafeteria (surprisingly delicious in relation to mom's home cooking), the ICU, even the third floor lounge where we spent many, many hours waiting during surgeries and what not. I guess visiting the ICU was pretty emotional for him, which is surprising since we figured he wouldn't even remember that part of his hospital stay. Mom said that as soon as he entered the big double doors, he just broke down. He even remembered Wayne, who was one of our favorite nurses that took care of him the first month or so. When mom asked how he remembered, dad said he has had dreams about Wayne. It's pretty bizarre what the mind remembers, even though dad doesn't recall any of his first month at the hospital. Anyhow, it was good for dad to see where it all began and take a ride around. And now, without a trach, he's attachment-free and can zoom, zoom, zoom where ever he wants. Woo!

God is good. He continues to bless us with good days and forward progression. It's easy to choose joy on days like these...and even easier to keep a smile on your face. I thank God for the mercy and grace He pours on us...amazing, undeserved, and never ending grace. There are daunting tasks ahead, mainly the whole moving home thing which makes us all pretty anxious, but God didn't bring us this far just to leave us hanging. And we've still got a few weeks left to prepare.

And hopefully just enough time to teach mom how to cook. Ah, who are we kidding? I wonder if the cafeteria delivers...

"Stop That Man!"

Dad continues to do well...he had a full week of therapy, dialysis, and visits from friends and family. He got to spend time yesterday with all the grandkids, and they were pretty impressed with his fancy new chair. I, too, finally got to see it in action, and to say it's fast is an understatement. He wouldn't show me its speed until we got to an empty hallway. After confirming that his chest strap was securely fastened, he quickly looked around and said, "Alright, I'm putting it in Drive 2." And like a bolt of lightning he was off. In the blink of an eye he was 20 feet away. What we didn't know was that a ways behind us was walking a group of therapists. They were unaware of our test drive and as soon as dad took off, they started to try to catch him, yelling, "Oh my gosh! Somebody stop that man!" They thought his chair had malfunctioned and was surely rocketing him to his death. He stopped on a dime and turned around laughing his head off. They quickly figured out that it was simply a fast guy in a super fast chair. Soon they were laughing as well. They wouldn't admit it, but I think they peed their pants just a wee bit. Oh, good times...

Pops is breathing well on his own and there's a rumor flying around that his trach will be removed completely sometime this week. It's pretty incredible to think that may really happen. There was a time when we all thought he would need a trach the rest of his life. What a blessing it would be to have that monkey off his back...or, in this case, his throat. And he has not needed suctioning in over a week. Praise God...unbelievable.

It will be four months tomorrow since the day of his accident. Sometimes the days blend one into the next, but others leave a significant impression in one way or another. The other night I was able to hang out with Pops for a few hours, just the two of us. It was one of those conversations I'll never forget. Not because it was profound or covered fascinating topics, but because it was just a daughter and a dad, hanging out. We talked about lots of stuff...him, me, mom, the accident, God, work, the future. No interruptions, no coughing, no suctioning, no lip reading. It was...great. He teared up when he talked about mom and how amazing she has been through all of this. He laughed when we talked about the latest antics of Cole and Paige. And sometimes he sat stunned, as he talked about how at times he's just hit hard with the realization that he is, indeed, a quadriplegic.

And as I told him that night, I always loved tossing the football with him, and rollerblading with him, and watching him do the "serpentine" (if you've seen it, you know what I mean). But I trade it all in a second for a chance to sit down, face to face, and have a good conversation with him. Hanging out with Pops was always fun...that was a given. But it's always so easy to fill the time with action...playing, doing, going. But now, what a gift we all are getting, just being able to really talk and get to know our Pops more than we did before. At least more than we ever made time for. Yes, it's still really hard, and of course dad would desperately love to walk again, but God is showing us many blessings along the way. We continue to trust Him and the plans he has in store for our Pops. We praise Him for the love He shows us every day...especially considering what today stands for.

Happy Easter.

Eating Is Overrated

Just a quick update on the swallow test...it turns out they had time available this morning so they tested him earlier than they had planned. The bad news is he failed the swallow test. This is not the news we hoped for, but on the bright side, his speech therapist said he has improved greatly from the previous test done a few months ago. Apparently he was very close to passing, but there is still a small amount of fluid being aspirated into his lungs and they just can't take the chance. She has hopes that when she tests him again in three weeks his swallow will be even stronger and he may pass. So there is hope that three more weeks of capping off his trach will really strengthen his throat muscles and he will finally move on.

Mom said although he failed, he is in good spirits and said, "You know, eating is overrated anyway. It really wastes a lot of time." So we are hopeful the next test will bring better results. Thankfully, he is still breathing independent of the trach and is able to talk all the time. Because he is finally able to speak freely, he would probably enjoy a few visitors at the hospital. We don't want to overwhelm him, but feel free to stop by for a quick visit, usually shorter is sweeter in case he's wiped out. Weekends are the best time, as he has no therapy and the hospital is pretty quiet in general. Otherwise, late afternoons to evenings are good. Just be warned that he has dialysis Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday for three to four hours each time, and he can't have visitors in the dialysis center. On weekdays he is pretty busy with therapy until 2 or 3 in the afternoon, so he usually doesn't have time to chat. He will most likely be at Froedtert for another month or so, so anytime in the next few weeks should be fine.

Thanks for loving our Pops...and us too. We are really feeling God's love through your kindness to our family. I pray that you are being blessed as well. Onward and upward...

Swallow Test Wednesday

Pops will be having his swallow test sometime Wednesday afternoon, so we pray that all goes well. He has had his trach capped for the majority of the last few days, even at night...so that is great progress. He's able to talk whenever he wants, and seems to be doing well in therapy. So high hopes tomorrow that there are good results on his test. Thanks for praying!

I Am Not Schizophrenic

I'm really not. Nor do I have multiple personalities...but I do realize that my mood seems to change drastically from blog to blog. Though this may leave you feeling a bit of motion sickness, it's a very real representation of how we feel on any given day. Some days are just hard, and when dad isn't doing well, all of our attitudes seem to follow suit. But when he is happy and showing progress, our spirits tend to soar. It truly is a crazy roller coaster of emotion, and even after four months I can't seem to prepare myself for those hard days. Obviously, it's no fun watching someone you love go through suffering, and at times it's a sadness that I can't describe. But the joy we feel on the good days...it's awesome. All that to say, I am not schizophrenic and I do not have a mood disorder...at least that I am aware of. Ha.

The good news is....today's blog is a happy one. Dad has had a good couple of days, starting with the fact that he officially met his newest grandson, Mikey. Mike and Becky were finally allowed to bring in six-week old Mikey into the hospital to meet his Bapa for the very first time. Mike said it was amazing...I guess Mikey just stared into his Bapa's eyes for the longest time. Apparently Mikey never stares into anyones eyes, so it was pretty special. He even gave dad a couple of goofy smiles, which of course made dad cry. It was a very, very special introduction. Bittersweet a little bit, as Pops is known in some circles as the "baby whisperer" for his uncanny ability with infants. Though he couldn't hold Mikey as I am sure he wanted to, I know it was a very sweet time for him and dad couldn't stop smiling. Very cool.

Dad also got another real shower...the second in four months so you can imagine how great that feels for him. Fresh as a flower, in just a half an hour.

Today was pretty big....it was the first day they have ever capped off his trach completely. We have been hearing about the notorious "red cap" for some time, which basically covers up his trach hole so he is forced to breathe through his nose and mouth. In the past he was never quite ready for it because of his secretions or lack of muscle control with swallowing, but today he was able to tolerate it for quite some time. This is great news. We hope that it means his swallow is improving, but the real test will be the "swallow test" which should be happening this week. We are all feeling pretty anxious about it because it will be a major factor in determining his future, medically speaking. If he passes, he's on to eating, drinking, talking, and eventually the removal of his trach all together. If he fails, he could be looking at a lifetime of stomach feedings, limited speech, and all the drama that goes along with the trach in general. So there is a lot at stake. We will be praying our hearts out that he passes his test, and we ask anyone willing to do the same. If I find out a specific time, I'll be sure to get it posted. Please, Lord, let him pass that swallow test!

As far as the service monkey, it's really pretty fascinating. Just as a seeing eye dog assists a blind person, a service monkey works as the 'hands' of a quadriplegic. They're amazing! His monkey would be trained to help with dad's specific needs, opening cabinets, retrieving items, turning the pages of his book...anything that requires dexterity, which dad just doesn't have. How awesome would that be? And who doesn't dream of having a pet monkey? Unless, of course, you're Michael Jackson and you get what ever you want. So hopefully a service monkey will be in dad's future...there's a lot that needs to happen before we can begin the process, so who knows. It sure would be sweet. When we told dad about it last week, he frowned and said, "But I already have a service monkey!" Then he nodded his head in mom's direction. He laughed so hard a loogie flew out of his trach.

At church today, they talked about how God tests us. Not to see us fail, not to watch us squirm, but to see where He falls in order of importance in our lives. Sometimes he takes things away from us, our health, our wealth, our most prized possession, or sometimes people we love, in order to shake our priorities in order. I immediately thought of Pops, and what he's had taken from him....his health, his abilities, his freedom, at times his dignity. And I wonder what I would do in his situation. Do I love God more than my legs? Do I love God more than my freedom? More than my ability to walk, run, move, hug, speak? Could I give up the things that bring me the most pleasure if God asked them of me? Tough questions. It's no fun to be tested, but I know that the sorrow and pain of the test will not be wasted. God wants to be first in our lives. My prayer is that we strive to put him there every day.

To Him be the glory.

Reality Bites

The last few days have been pretty quiet, a little blah. I think everyone was on such an emotional high after all the commotion of this weekend....we all seem to have crashed a little bit, dad included. He is doing okay...he has physical, speech, and occupational therapy every day in addition to his permanent Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday dialysis schedule. Being in therapy is great, but it also forces him to realize his disability, to find out all the things he is unable to do, one task at a time.

Yesterday he was pretty down. He said his therapist was trying to get him to write, and he couldn't do it at all, then they worked on putting his shirt on, he can't do that either. It is so deflating for him to fail over and over at simple tasks. There is really so very little he can do for himself.

The swallow test won't be happening for at least a week, he is still having to be suctioned at least four or five times a day minimum. It's not good that he's needing suctioning, as his lungs should be stronger by now and he should be able to be swallowing his secretions. He still can only use his talking valve for short periods of time until the swallow test can prove he's not aspirating. So we wait a little more. And if we're tired of waiting, you can imagine how Pops feels.

I can't even begin to imagine what it's like to be him, to be a quadriplegic. I can't even begin to comprehend what it's like to have no control over your own body, to look at your hand and not be able to make a fist, to see your legs but not feel them. To be a grown man and be dependent on nurses to take care of your every personal need. And some needs are very, very personal. Some days as I watch my dad go through this, I just get overwhelmingly sad. I don't want him to have to do this anymore. I don't want mom to have to do this anymore. I don't want to do this anymore. I want our lives to be normal. I want our lives to be the way they were before December 8, 2006.

Yes, he has a new, cool wheelchair. Yes, it goes fast. Yes, I get excited when I think dad may qualify for having a service monkey which would probably be the coolest thing to ever happen in the history of the universe. But those feelings fade fast when I see my dad face reality and in his helplessness, all he can do is cry.

My dad is pretty helpless. That's reality. And sometimes reality bites. But the greater reality is that God has a purpose for my dad's life, and I pray tonight that mom and dad would get a tiny glimpse of how sweet that reality could be. Hopefully the only thing biting will be the helpful but ornery service monkey that I am desperately hoping for...

Fresh Air, A New Chair

Wow...five good days in a row...a new record! Yahoo! It's been a great week for dad. Where do I begin??

It started with good news about the heart thing. No surgery needed...they're just going to keep an eye on his blood pressure. An answer to prayers.

His brand new, custom wheelchair arrived a few days ago...and it is one sweet ride. Mom did a great job ordering it...it looks awesome and has features that are perfect for Pops. The first being, of course, that it goes 8 miles an hour. Enough said. They had to add a safety strap around his chest so he doesn't fly out. Sounds dangerous, but dad cried when he was telling mom about the speed...the man does enjoy going fast, so dang it, let him have his fun. It also has a lift that can put him at eye level when he talks to people. We didn't realize how cool that was until we saw it...it makes a big difference when he doesn't have to look up at everyone. This will give him more opportunities...like sitting at high tables or taking walks with mom while holding hands... and having a conversation. The amazing thing is that he can still go 8 miles an hour while elevated...picture that. Yikes. So he's been up in his new chair a lot. An answer to prayers.

Today he moved from the acute side of the hall to the rehab side. This means tomorrow he starts a rigorous therapy schedule...and he's very ready for it. His spirits have remained high for a while now and he seems ready to do some hard work. The therapists are already seeing a tiny improvement in his left hand grip. He still does not lift his left arm as there seems to have been more nerve damage there then on his right side. He is really doing well using his right arm...he is always itching his face or adjusting his oxygen tubes. But he has minimal finger grip on the right hand so he can't hold anything or push buttons. We pray that we'll see some progress with therapy, but it's hard to tell what will come back, if anything. We still have never seen movement in his legs.

He has been doing a little more talking lately, using the Passy-Muir valve. He can only do it for short periods, but each time he seems to sound a little more like himself and his voice is getting stronger. It's awesome. How easy it is to take your ability to speak for granted...I can't explain the joy of getting to talk to him on the phone. Amazing. There's a rumor flying around that he may take a second swallow test Thursday or Monday. A passed swallow test means talking and eating and drinking...so big prayers that his throat is healing and he is no longer aspirating. Although he said today that he really doesn't miss eating. He said getting his 'oatmeal' though his stomach tube is really pretty convenient...he's never hungry and he never has to floss. Very true, I suppose. Too funny.

Another biggie was that he went outside today for the first time in almost four months. He was able to sit out in the sunshine for close to an hour and finally breathe some fresh air. Pretty huge. It was good for him, but he described it as bittersweet. I asked him why and he said, "All I wanted to do was play catch." We hadn't thought of how tough it would be on him...being outside made him think of all the things he loves to do...sailing, rollerblading, playing catch. It was harder on him than any of us expected, but we were warned that leaving "hospital-world" is emotionally the hardest part. He mentioned today that it's a blessing he's been in the hospital so long since it gives him a chance to slowly get used to reality. And since Mike and Becky's house remodeling still isn't finished...it really is a blessing he's not coming home quite yet.

God knows what He's doing.

This is an enormous blog but there's more I don't want to ever forget. Mom and I took a little trip to Arizona last week...it forced mom away from her rigorous hospital routine, and gave Pops a breather as well, I suppose. It was good for everyone. But the sweetest part was the reunion after mom and dad had not seen each other for a whole week. Mom and I drove their car home from Arizona, and somewhere around Iowa she started getting very fidgety...like a 16 year old going on her first date. She was so excited to see Pops, she was all girly and worried about looking cute. Little did we know dad was in Wisconsin doing the same thing. He asked for a shampoo and a shave, wanting to wear a nice shirt and look hot when mom got there. I didn't see the reunion but I guess there were lots of hugs and tears, and they even did some "making out". Ew, sick. As gross as it is, it's pretty much the most precious thing ever. This ordeal has made them realize how much they love each other, which is impressive after 35 years of marriage. Pretty darn cute. Makes you want to barf when it's your parents, but pretty darn cute nonetheless.

Praise God that there's so much good stuff to share. What a great feeling. And even when the feelings change...and they probably will...we rest on the fact that God is in control. We give Him praise for all the progress that dad has made this week. We pray that it continues and that I'll have to write more incredibly long blogs to fit it all in.

God is so good. Thank you so much for your prayers. It means more to our family than you will ever know.

Quick Heart Update

Just a quick update on the heart thing....the blockage was minor! Minor enough that not even a stint was necessary. An answer to prayers. It has been a good week for Pops....no time for details but more to come tomorrow!

Will it Ever End?

After a good weekend, dad's last couple days have been pretty blah. Monday he had a procedure done to have a pic line inserted into his chest. He's had pic lines put in and taken out before, but this time it wouldn't stop bleeding so he had to stay in bed all day. It eventually stopped but he didn't get a chance to get into his wheelchair.

Today he had kidney dialysis for three hours, and was experiencing a little chest pain. This has happened once in awhile so his doctors decided they want to do a heart catheterization tomorrow. That means they will be using dye and x-rays to look at his heart to see if there is any blockage. If they find minor blockage, they will put a stint in, and if they find major blockage, there will be bi-pass surgery scheduled. It was another long day as he was unable to get up into his wheelchair. The longer he has to lay in bed, the worse it is for his overall health.

As dad said today, "Will this ever end?" It certainly feels like it won't. I know that this blog is a roller coaster of emotion, but it's an accurate picture of what we're going through. From good days to bad, quickly and without warning. It's tiring, frustrating, and seemingly endless.

Despite the drama, dad remains in a pretty good mood. When mom asked him how his bowel program went, he replied, "Pretty good. How about yours?" Still funny...still Pops. He's sleeping a little better at night, and he asks for anxiety meds a little less frequently. So good things are happening. More than anything, we just want him to have some steady progression. But, alas, there is so little we can control. All we can do is pray, and be open to learning what God wants to teach us.

So we pray for no blockage in his heart, that he can get into his chair in the next few days, and for continued positive attitudes. We thank God for being with us in the valley. He continues to lead the way, and we continue to choose joy.

(Just a note that I'll be out of town for the next 4-5 days...so don't be alarmed if there's no blog until next week. Hopefully there will be great news to share when I get back!)

St. Paddy's Day

Yahoo! That's how we're feeling...in a nutshell. As of yesterday, dad is back on the fifth floor in the spinal cord unit. An answer to many prayers. A few days ago we were told that the move could be "soon", which in hospital-world usually means 8-10 business days. (Not complaining...just explaining.) So you can imagine our surprise when Pops was moved by 5pm Friday...better delivery time than Fed Ex even. He and mom said goodbye to the kind 4th floor nurses and reunited with their pals in the SCIC. A great move all around as it boosted spirits and is a sign that things are once again moving forward, our favorite of all the directions.

Dad had a great day. After a round of dialysis this morning, his speech therapist put in his Passy-Muir valve and he was able to speak for 45 minutes!! After he had some time to catch his breath and remember how to work his breathing, he spoke for the first time in over a month, and it was beautiful. Mom had just left the hospital and didn't know they had put in his valve so we gave her a surprise cell phone call from Pops. You can imagine what it's like to hear your husband on the other end of a phone when you haven't heard his voice in many, many weeks. Needless to say, lots of happy tears. Talking is something that really boosts Dad's spirits...as he said today, "I don't feel like a piece of furniture anymore!" It makes you realize how valuable a voice is, and how limited he is when he can't speak. Unfortunately, at this time he can't wear the valve too much because they still don't know how much saliva is being aspirated into his lungs. Until he passes his swallow test, they need to be careful since the valve creates extra secretions. But even if that's all we hear for awhile, it was a sweet, sweet 45 minutes. I love hearing that voice. I love hearing him be silly. I love hearing him tell mom that he loves her. What a gift...thank God for Mr. Passy-Muir and his fabulous valve.

We are still praying that they find the infection that is damaging his kidneys, and we pray that his lungs remain strong and he can regain swallowing function. The longer he remains in the hospital, the more compromised and weak his immune system, so we pray there will be no more bouts with pneumonia or sickness. So much to keep praying for, still so much that's unknown.

But for today, we rejoice in the little things. A voice. A laugh. A few minutes on the mountaintop. Thank you God for giving us a day on the mountaintop...where the views are great and the smiles abound. But we thank You all the more for the days spent in the valley. Without them, how could we truly appreciate the blessings of the mountaintop?

To God be the glory.

Sweet Dreams

The results of the biopsy came back. The doctors found that the problem with his kidneys is infection-related...they just can't figure out where the infection is. They did a cat scan of his abdomen but found no abscess, so they will have to fight the infection with a general anti-biotic regimen and hope it takes care of it. He will have dialysis tomorrow and may need it a few times a week. They will just wait and see how it goes.

So really not a lot of change...every day seems to be about the same. His attitude is decent, and they are trying to make plans to get him back to the spinal cord unit. It will be great if he gets to move there next week...it's just a much better place for him to be. Our prayer is that the move happens....and soon.

Last night was tough for him...he was restless and pretty anxious. I asked what makes him anxious at night and he said "boredom". When mom got there this morning, he was very upset and said, "I can't do this anymore." Mom asked what he meant and he said, "Jean, I can't move. I can't do this anymore. I...can't...move." We've never heard him say that before. He's obviously been depressed in the past, and upset at times, but he's never flat out said that he can't go on. We don't know if he's finally dealing with reality a little bit more, or if it's just a bad day...either way, totally understandable.

By the end of the day, he was himself and seemed in a better mood. When I left for the night, he had fallen asleep with a smile on his face...must have been a good dream or something. He looked so happy I couldn't take my eyes off him as I left his room. The sweet moment ended quite abruptly when I ran right into the door frame. I am a moron.

If I happen to be there when mom is leaving for the day, I am blessed to be able to watch them pray together as they do every single night. The prayer of late seems to be, "Lord, we will not let Satan defeat us. We will not give up." Such an important prayer. Satan wants nothing more than for them to give up, to feel abandoned, to feel defeated. Some days are a real battle, but God will be victorious. I pray especially tonight that dad would feel victory and not defeat. May he sleep well and have lots of sweet dreams.

Expectations

Dad remains....about the same. Seems like I've been saying that for awhile now. Tomorrow he is having a kidney biopsy to try to determine what's wrong. Because they want his kidneys at their optimum level for the biopsy, he had dialysis both today and yesterday. Depending on what they find, he may need dialysis indefinitely, even if it is sporadic. For the past two weeks, he hasn't needed it, but his kidneys were due for another jump start of sorts. So we'll see what the biopsy brings...

His spirits are good for the most part, but he misses the spinal cord unit where the nurses seem to be better able to deal with his needs...things like secretions and transfers and lip-reading. We don't know when he'll go back upstairs. It all depends on his health.

Overall, he and mom are just plain sick of it all. Sick of the routine, sick of the hospital, sick of the ups and downs, sick of the same thing day in and day out. Who wouldn't be. I can't believe it's been three whole months...Some days they're just sick and tired of it all. Today was one of those days.

Our finite minds have expectations....what we think should be happening...and when. I confess my simplistic belief that after everyone prayed their hearts out for 24 hours, we would see something happen, something tangible, something miraculous. I expected something....and was a little surprised when that something didn't happen.

Thankfully, God doesn't give us what we want just because we ask for it. That's not how He works. If that were true, we'd all be running around like spoiled children only caring about what we can get. We're not rewarded for how many hours we spend praying, and our righteousness doesn't grow exponentially with the number of hours we spend in church. The most important thing about us is not what we do, but what we believe about God.

I believe that He loved the prayer vigil, that He loved each and every conversation had with Him. And I also believe that He wants us to keep praying, to persevere, to keep at it. I believe that He is working in Pops, and there is healing....even if it's not visible to our human eyes. Our expectations are changing. It's not about what we expect from God, but what God expects from us. He expects us to trust, even when we see no "miracles", He wants us to endure, even when we think we can't go another day, and He wants us to believe...especially when things aren't going our way.

Some days, things don't seem to be going our way. But we believe God knows what He's doing. We may not see it yet, but you can bet your biopsy He'll exceed our expectations.