Amazing Grace

Well, we've heard from Pops (yahoo!), but I've also been bugging mom to write a post. She's totally computer-illiterate but tonight she finally handed me a hard copy....so here are a few words, er...make that 'many words' from mom:

As I reflect on these past six months, I am amazed at how our Heavenly Father has provided-how He has changed me...and how settled and at peace we both are in our new life together. I have experienced so many different stages-I remember early on, "explaining" to God that I simply would not make a very good caregiver...I'm much too selfish and independent-loving to travel, being alone, and definitely lacking in nursing skills. Just in case He didn't understand me, I remember emotionally kicking and screaming like a child-fighting what He expected of me. I remember being mad at both Pat and God...I felt cornered, I felt trapped-never to be 'free' again.

For some strange reason, God didn't change things because I thought He should...I'm so thankful I serve a never-changing master, a Heavenly Father that loves me more than I could ever imagine-and who knows me better than I know myself.

As the days turned into weeks and the weeks turned into months...I was broken, I let go, I accepted becoming more dependent on Him-feeling more settled and at peace than I ever have in my life. Letting go of my life...actually gave me life. Believe it or not, I'm even 'free-er'...yes, free to accept, free to enjoy, free to experience what God has done in my life and heart and how He has shown me what He made me for-this very special walk, a walk that few are privileged to walk-a walk with Him leading every step with people everywhere praying...fervently praying for Pat and our little family...who could ask for more.

For you see, I am a 24/7 - actually a 22/7 caregiver (with 2 hours of nursing care) and I'm not even half bad at it! Amazingly, it's probably the most rewarding thing I've ever done in this life of mine...a life that I too often spent fighting for 'my' time. Now, with very little 'my' time, I've never been happier. "Happy" has a different definition than it used to- just like "fun" and "life"-it's better, fuller, and lots more meaningful. There's a peace in my soul, a sense of satisfaction-a total reassurance that I'm doing what I was meant to do...what I was created to do- a caregiver and advocate for my husband of almost 35 years...who woulda thought.

Those of you who know me well, know this is truly a miracle of God above! It just isn't me! Life is so much simpler-quieter, gentler, easier. When hubby is a quad, you don't have to be on time for anything! And though it may take 2 hours to get Bohr ready in the morning, I can be ready in 20 minutes! How things have changed...

After about 3 months (sometime in March) I was given a card at the hospital that stated "We were not created for pleasure, we were created for joy". I thought to myself, "What is that? What does that mean?" For some reason, I couldn't get that saying out of my mind- joy and pleasure, pleasure and joy...what's the difference? It wasn't till we arrived home and my "new career" started that I fully experienced joy. Believe it or not, there is a difference-and it comes when you least expect it, when you're not even looking for it...especially when you're not looking for it.

Our life before was filled with loads of pleasure, but not much joy-some of you know what I mean. I pray that the rest of you will be able to experience joy in your life-in one way or another. I'm so thankful, again, that early on my Heavenly Father didn't change my path as I thought He should. He was well aware of what I was capable of and who I would become through all of this 'life change'...different, but better. Choosing joy in all circumstances-being settled and at total peace knowing what I was created for...and loving it. Accepting and fulfilled in a life I could never have imagined living.

We laugh more-and look at each other more, I mean really look at each other. Pat thanks me for all I do for Him-I thank him (and God) for giving me the opportunity to do this caregiving thing-I'm blown away by my new heart-my nursing skills and the fact that I'm finally the 'captain' of a team...even if it is the Bowel Team! And ya know what...I'm a darn good B-Team captain!

At the end of a day, I have a sense of satisfaction and an appreciation for my life that I've never experienced before. We've shared moments with each other when we've actually admitted that we "wouldn't want to go back to our life of pleasure", for this is better...very different, but better.

Throughout Pat's hospital stay, I always looked back on the prayer we prayed the morning of his accident-remembering the 'stirring' I felt from my Heavenly Father...to pray that our family would glorify God this last Christmas. And I remember arriving home from the hospital just two days after the accident and the kids saying, "Hey mom, we started a blog". "What's a blog?" I said. (I don't even know how to email.) Then I watched in amazement as God unfolded His promise to me -to us-as He was glorified through this little family He created...through this thing called a 'blog'.

I am forever humbled by the kindness of everyone, your generosity leaves me speechless-your prayers forever cherished. I (we) felt your prayers, then and now. We have a peace that surpasses all understanding...another of God's promises fulfilled.

We are excited about what our future holds- Pat will finally retire! We're hoping to spend winters in Arizona where we bought a little condo last year (from a woman in a wheelchair) ...God knew! And He knows where we're headed. We rest in His plan for us...and we anticipate a fulfilling life-a life where He will use us now more than ever.

To God be the glory, and thank you, thank you, thank you.

In His precious love,
Jean