Wednesday

Dad was in surgery for about an hour this afternoon to have the dialysis cathader inserted into his jugular. In my opinion, anything that involves the word 'jugular' seems major, but it was actually a pretty minor surgery. So he had his first dialysis with the new cathader and everything went smoothly. At this point, they will be doing dialysis about every other day indefinitely until his kidneys show an improvement in function. We are praying that his kidneys would eventually be healed so he would not have to go through dialysis the rest of his life. We'll see what God has in mind...

They haven't been able to sit him up in his wheelchair for about five days due to his dialysis drama so hopefully tomorrow he'll get up for a bit. It is vital that his body be in a sitting position daily so that his lungs continue to heal. The longer he lays in bed, the more likely it is that he'll get pneumonia again, so the goal tomorrow is to get him in the chair. It's a much more complicated process than you would expect...involving nurses and slings and hoists. But getting in the chair means getting the lungs stronger which means getting off the respirator which means getting back to the spinal cord unit. Not to mention eating, drinking, and talking! Right now we just gotta get out of that ICU.

I was blessed to be able to hang out with him alone as he was waiting to be transported to surgery. He was actually able to whisper audibly due to some random air pockets so we had an actual conversation... no mouthing required. I loved it...just talking about life, just being a daughter and a dad, talking like we would before his accident. Well, except for some talk of jugulars, dialysis cathedars, and renal failure...same old, same old. It was sweet and an hour with my Pops that I won't soon forget.

A verse that dad said he has been clinging to is Romans 8:28. "We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

In all things God is working for the good, dad's accident included. Amazing how many things there are to be thankful for. Relationships being deepened, perspectives being changed, faith being refined. Praise God for how He's changing all of us.

Sweet Relief

Finally something to be excited about...we haven't had much to 'yahoo' about lately. The x-rays from yesterday came back and dad was able to say goodbye to his neck brace. Eight solid weeks in a neck brace would drive anyone crazy, so we are thankful he's able to get some relief. I've never been so excited to see a neck in my life...but it will take some time to build up those muscles since they've been idle for so long. So big excitement that he can turn his head...even though right now it feels like he's balancing a watermelon on a pencil.

But of course, just when something is removed or reduced... something else is inserted or connected. And so it goes. He is having a procedure tomorrow to have a tube inserted in his neck/chest to allow a more permanent entry for the dialysis. We won't know for awhile how permanent the dialysis will be, it may be for a month, it may be for the rest of his life. Until they figure out what the deal is with his kidneys, we won't know for sure. They've gotten five liters of fluid out of him so far, so that's reduced some of the swelling. I know, pretty gross...but hey, sometimes life is gross...

He was off of the respirator four different times today, three hours each time. Hmmm...this sounds familiar...have we done this before? Ah, yes. Weening. I remember it well...

Thank God for a mostly positive day. It seemed we had set up camp in the valley for so long, it just feels good to start climbing back up again. It feels good to see a little progress. It feels good to see spirits lifted. It feels good to laugh again. But more important than what we feel any given day is the fact that God continues to orchestrate this ordeal with perfect precision. He knows what He's doing...He knows the desires of our hearts...He knows dad right down to the number of hairs in his grey, poofy mustache.

He knows us well. He knows what we can handle. And that is such sweet relief.

Monday Night

Just a quick update...not much time. Dad had his third dialysis today. They got about 3 liters of fluid out of him, but he's still pretty puffy. They are still trying to decide what's wrong with the kidneys. He started to move the fingers on the left hand today, which he has done in weeks past but not since being back in the ICU. He had x-rays done of his neck to determine if his neck brace can come off...hopefully it will be soon. That will be an amazing day for him. Eight weeks of a stiff neck...not cool.

So a few postives...praise God. More tomorrow.

Choose Joy

Weekends at the hospital tend to be pretty quiet, all the doctors and "ists" need their time off too. So nothing new to report. We're anxious for tomorrow when he'll have his third kidney dialysis and hopefully something positive from the doctors. One of the main concerns continues to be his dependence on the respirator, so we pray that whatever's keeping him from breathing, whether anxiety or physical weakness, would disappear. And of course that his kidneys would be functioning again.

And pray for strength and peace for mom. This is obviously traumatic for all of us, but her especially. Pray that God would give her a sweet glimpse of what their life together is going to be...radically changed...yes. But together none the less.

Happy is an emotion...joy is a choice. Even though happy isn't anything we've been feeling lately, we choose joy. There's plenty to be joyful about, it's just harder to find when you have to dig for it. So we dig on...and we choose joy.

Thank God for another day.

Snorkeling

Emotionally, Pops seems a tiny bit better today. Mike stopped in to see him early this morning and said they had a good conversation. Mike said that dad was asking all kinds of questions, about work, the house, the kids, and he showed real interest. Very encouraging. He also asked Mike how mom was holding up, which is just plain sweet. It's sorta precious how he's been attentive to her needs in the midst of the drama...

He seemed okay when I saw him this afternoon with Becky and the kids. Although he was pretty tired and a little withdrawn, he had some smiles for the kids and even shared a laugh or two. He said he felt a little stronger than he did yesterday, and it seems that sending his blood through the 'washing machine' seems to make a difference. All of our spirits were lifted a bit after seeing him in a little better state of mind. He is starting to move his right arm again, which is encouraging for him since he's been so weak and swollen he hasn't been able to move it for a week.

Other than that, dad is about the same physically. Still in rough shape to say the least. He is on the respirator almost all the time which is a major setback. Not much good can happen from being dependent on that thing. The doctors want to do three dialysis sessions to try to filter his blood and get rid of the excess fluid. He has had two treatments so far and will have the third on Monday. It's too soon to tell if the dialysis will be successful in 'jump starting' his kidneys or not. The doctors are quite confused as to why his kidneys are failing...just more questions to add to our collection...cause, you know, we were needing more unknowns right now....

It sounds weird but it's comforting to know the doctors are confused. Not because I want them to be, but because confusion is completely foreign to God. Dad's failing kidneys may confuse the brilliant minds at Froedtert, but not our God. Not for a second. It's strangely comforting to know that not only are we at a loss for what's happening, but so are the doctors...all the more reason for God to show up and do something amazing...so that He will be glorified. Maybe He'll do something, maybe He'll wait...either way I know He's got more to teach us through this. Hmmmm....sure would have been nice to get the Cliff's Notes version...

Although, looking at how our family has grown the last 50 days makes me oddly thankful for every minute of it, the good and the bad. We're stronger, yet weaker. Simpler, yet deeper. Thank you God for taking us to the depths...so that we may truly experience the height of Your love.

As Fans would say, "Get your snorkels, people. We're going below the surface."

Day 49

Dad's accident was seven weeks ago today. Hard to believe. Even harder to believe that only two weeks ago he was progressing, moving fingers, breathing alone, making us laugh, moving forward. There was lots of hope. He's now in the worst condition he's been in since it happened. It's hard to feel the hope anymore. It's been a bad week.

He had two procedures done today. One was to insert a central line into his shoulder which will better monitor what's going on inside. This will hopefully give doctors a better idea of why his kidneys aren't working as they should. The other procedure was to have a tube inserted so they could do the dialysis, which started this evening and takes about two hours. The expected outcome would be to filter the blood in his system to get his white blood cells down and hopefully allow his kidneys to function better. He is on a lot of pain medication, so of course he's very sleepy. Still retaining a lot of fluid, still dependent on the respirator, still incredibly weak.

Why such a downward spiral? I don't know. Why such promise of healing and strengthening, only to lose all that was gained? I don't know. Why so much pain, suffering, frustration? I don't know.

The more time that passes, the less we know and the weaker we become. But I think that's where God wants us...completely helpless and dependent on Him. The absolute only thing we are clinging to right now is the promise that God knows exactly what He's doing, that He's not scratching his head wondering why dad's health is worsening. We are powerless and have only Him to hang on to...which I know is what He wants of us. Maybe He wants to deal with us before He deals with the storm that surrounds us. I don't know. All we can do is pray and wait.

God, give us strength while we wait, give us hope when we're hopeless, and give us peace to know You will make something beautiful out of the suffering. If it is Your will, give us a miracle. Pops is in Your hands.

Plug in the Power Sander

For reasons yet unknown, God wants dad to stay in the ICU a little while longer. It turns out that his kidneys are not working as they should, which is most likely the reason for the fluid retention. The doctors want to do a kidney dialysis but they need to wait until his potassium levels go down. So he remains pretty swollen and very weak. The lung infection still seems to be raging as they wait for the new antibiotics to kick in. His secretions seem to have lessened so hopefully the pneumonia is on its way out. So much going on in his poor body. It's sometimes hard to believe what's it's been through...he's got a long, long way to go...

He is having trouble breathing on his own, as it takes more energy than usual. His therapist said that all the excess fluid makes breathing more difficult, which is probably why dad has been requesting to be on the respirator rather than breathe on his own. He is breathing on his own at times, but only for a few hours. He continues to be exhausted, sleeping a lot, and asking for no visitors. He's amazed at how hard he's having to work...simply to breathe.

There are a few good things among the seemingly large abundance of bad things...his heart rate is good, his oxygen levels are good, and he seems to have peace. Mom always prays with him before she leaves the hospital for the night, and in the confusion tonight she forgot. He right away stopped her and mouthed, "Hey, we didn't pray!" We are so thankful that amidst all of the complications, he still has peace. An answer to many prayers.

Our days are filled with questions, most of which have no answers....yet. Why? When? How long? How much? Why now? Why him? All questions we'd love some answers to...God doesn't promise immediate answers...but He does promise peace. And we pray tonight that His peace would overflow...